Thursday, March 31, 2005

Man Pretending To Be Virgin To Avoid Disclosing STD

A man told his friend last night that he had been claiming to be saving himself for marriage to avoid disclosing the fact that he had Herpes Simplex to his new girlfriend. He said that in the past his relationships had ended very quickly after he made that admission. This time he'd decided to play a virgin, never imagining that the relationship would amount to much. However, he said, not only did he like the girl, he'd given serious thought to asking her to be his wife. This presented two problems. One, he would have to disclose that in fact he'd been lying all along about being a virgin. Two, he'd have to share the fact that he'd done so because he had a permanent and contagious sexually transmitted disease. He said that he was terrified that even if she could overlook one of those truths, the combination was likely to be too much.
His friend said that it would certainly be difficult, but if the girl and he were meant for one another they would see their way past this situation.
The man said he wasn't sure how he could expect her to see past the fact that he wasn't what he claimed to be. He said that lies in general were poison to relationships.
But the lies that always get you, he said, are the ones you really wish were true.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Doctor Tired Of TV Shows That Claim Doctors Run In Hospitals

A doctor commenting to fellow physicians last night said that she was tired of the depiction of life inside hospitals she saw on TV. She said that a new show claiming to depict the life of residents in a big city hospital was riddled with inaccuracies and bore very little resemblance to life of young doctors. She was particularly bothered by the TV cliche of doctors running to and from various emergencies, which she said never occurred in the hospital regardless the situation. She said that if a doctor actually broke into a run she could not imagine what the reaction would be.
One of the other doctors stated that ER had been fairly accurate, but had still involved a lot of running. He wondered why Hollywood felt the need to project such fantasies about doctors.
The first doctor said she imagined it was because no one would watch a show about people who walked everywhere and more often than not lost their patients. How many people want to see a show, she wondered, where the paddles almost never shock people back to life?
None, said the other doctor. I see if every night, and if I could change the channel I would.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Girl Misunderstands Boyfriend's Compliment That She Is "Sow-like"

A couple having desert in a coffee shop last night got into a dispute when the boyfriend described the way his girlfriend watched over and enjoyed her portion of the desert as sow like. Specifically, the couple was eating a couple cookies and he referred to her as a cookie sow. The girlfriend took great offense to this, arguing that he was essentially calling her a pig and making not so veiled comments about her weight. The boyfriend said that he was not making any claims about her weight, just about how closely she guarded her cookie to prevent him from stealing pieces, much as a mother sow, in this case referring to a mother bear, might watch over her young. He said that there was no more dangerous animal that a startled mother sow watching over her young, and that he'd really meant it as a compliment about how protective she could be.
The girlfriend said that if he'd really wanted to offer her a compliment and imply that she was a dangerous guardian of her cookie he could have called her a cookie panther, or a cookie tiger. She said he'd specifically chosen cookie sow because of its defendable double meaning, which allowed him to make a passive aggressive attack on her weight all with the hope of actually getting her to voluntarily give up a portion of her cookie to him. She said that if he wanted part of her cookie that badly he should just come right out and say, you're too fat to eat all of that cookie, give me half.
He said that her belief that his comments had anything to do with wanting part of her cookie was typically over-protective behavior, and only underscored how sow-like she was being.
She said that he was an ass and invited him to take it any way he wished.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Mother Feels Gay Son Needs To Meet Right Girl

A mother explained to her daughter last night that she did not believe her son's assertions that he was gay and argued that in time he would meet a girl who satisfied his tastes and drop all pretenses of homosexuality. She said that she felt that his 'coming out' had been a cry for attention from a child who was unsure about his career and having trouble with living away from his parents for the first time. She said that now that he had gotten the attention he so desired he was likely to find it difficult to continue living the lie of being gay and return to heterosexual behavior. She pointed out that she'd not yet been introduced to any of his 'partners' because in all likelihood there had been none.
The daughter told her mother she was in denial. She said that her brother's coming out was certainly a reaction to being away from home for the first time, but was sign that he was more certain about his identity, not less so. She said that he hadn't brought any 'partners' home because it was so obvious that the mother had not yet come to terms with the situation, as evidenced by her claims that he was faking the whole thing.
The mother said she had come to terms with the situation, and had no problems with gays. She just knew that her son was not gay.
The daughter asked how the mother was so sure.
Because, she said, that's not how I raised him.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Sorority Sisters Worry About Increasing Visibility Of Overweight Member

Three very thin and attractive members of a sorority were drinking tea last night and discussing what might be done about the fact that their house's only really overweight member had recently been elected Vice President of the university's student government. Apparently the girl had been admitted to the house as a legacy (the child of a former member) over strong objections due to the fact that her appearance was anything but representative of the house's image. This transgression had been tolerated for the last year because her grades did raise the house's average GPA and she had remained relatively out of sight. However, her recent election to Vice President raised the unpleasant prospect of her becoming the very public, and overweight, face of the sorority. One of the girls felt that this was really unfair and precisely the reason that she should never have been admitted in the first place. She said that the other girls, like themselves, busted their asses to stay in shape and eat right in an effort to maintain the image that the house wanted to project to the public and now this fat ass who didn't even pretend to workout was going to ruin that.
One of the girls offered that at least she was going to be increasing awareness of the house, associating them with a position of power on campus. As Vice President, the girl was likely to have her name in the paper from time to time.
Her name is fine, said the most indignant girl, as long as they don't put her picture.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Mr. Kyle Is Sick Today

For the second time in a week I have only a lame excuse for not eavesdropping on the fascinating people who surround me. Hopefully I'll feel well enough to immerse myself tomorrow without starting an epidemic.

ed. note: I recognize the vanity in writing an excuse for a site that less than five people stop by, but if I were one of the five I would abandon any site that left an absence unexplained, and we can't afford to lose a single one of you.

Man Fired From Customer Service Job For Offering Competitor's Project

A man now working at a coffee shop explained to a customer that he had been fired from his last job as a customer service representative for a cable company because he had advised a customer that she might be better off just getting service from a satellite provider. He said the customer in question was overpaying for digital packages in numerous rooms, had a history of problems with the cable company a mile long, and routinely had to wait days for a technician to come out and fix her various problems. The man said he had felt bad for the customer and explained to her that she could get the same channels for about thirty dollars a month less and free herself from dealing with the cable company if she switched to satellite. He even admitted to her that though he worked for the cable company, he used satellite. He said he knew that it was risky to offer such advice as any call might be monitored and certainly advising customers to sign up with another provider was grounds for dismissal, but he said that the woman had sounded old and beaten down by her constant battles with the company. He said the thought of saving her thirty dollars a month had made it seem worth the risk at the time.
The coffee shop patron asked if in fact the call had been monitored and if that was what had precipitated the man's firing.
He said, no, the woman had called back and told on him

Monday, March 21, 2005

Woman Upset President Unwilling To Fly In To Save Her Father

A woman in a coffee shop stated that she was disappointed that the President was flying in to sign a bill to extend the life of a brain damaged woman in Florida when he had refused to sign legislation that would aid her ailing father. She explained that her father was suffering from Parkinson's disease and she felt that there was strong evidence that stem cell research might offer treatments if not cures, but the President had refused to approve such research on the grounds that it involved extracting the cells from fertilized eggs. She said that it disturbed her that he was willing to take action on behalf of lifeless blastocysts and people in vegetative states, but unwilling to offer aid to her very alive and very aware father. His obligation, she said, seemed to be only perpetuating life, not improving it.
Perhaps if her father deteriorated into a vegetative state, she mused, the President would finally be willing to help.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Man Depressed By Rejection From School He Did Not Plan To Attend

A man and his girlfriend were sharing coffee when she pointed out that he was being very quiet and did not seem to be himself. He confessed that he was very depressed after having found out that he had not been accepted to a graduate writing program. She pointed out that he'd already decided not to attend that program so it should hardly matter that he hadn't been accepted.
He said he was aware of that, but that knowing he could not attend even if he wanted to was more distressing than he'd imagined. He said that it had forced him to question his abilities and really done damage to his confidence. He said he'd have been better off having never applied.
She argued that you have to take chances in order to make progress.
He agreed, but said that having been on both sides of the issue he was now prepared to say that the sting of trying and failing was worse than the anxiety of being afraid to try at all.
At least if you don't try, he said, no one can tell you you're not good enough.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Taking The Day Off

Research shows there are like, two, maybe three of you who stop by on any given day (thanks for the visits) but my hope is that you'll forgive me for taking a day off to focus on the NCAA tournament. It's sort of a religious holiday for me. Have a good one.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Man Troubled By Discovery Of Own Incompetence

A man getting coffee with his coworker said he was very scared of losing his job with a package delivery company after his supervisor illustrated how incompetent the man was. He said that he'd been getting in trouble for failing to get boxes into the proper trucks, allowing boxes for truck A onto truck B. He said that he'd initially apologized when the errors first started turning up and explained that his child was suffering from chronic illness which tended to distract him from time to time. He'd promised to pay more attention, and in fact thought he'd been doing just that. But the errors continued, until at one point he improperly sorted six boxes in a row. His supervisor brought this to his attention and the man said that while he was capable of being distracted from time to time, he was sure he wouldn't miss six boxes in a row. The supervisor agreed that it did sound unlikely and left the man alone. Then, unbeknownst to the man the supervisor sent him four more boxes that were misrouted and the man failed to catch any of them. The supervisor then told the man that the problem did indeed appear to be his fault and if he could not correct it he would probably be let go.
The man told his friend he was worried. It was one thing to fail when he wasn't paying attention. It was another thing entirely to fail when you were trying your hardest.
Laziness he could change, the man said. Stupidity he was stuck with.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Woman Unsure How To Tell Boyfriend To Give Up Dream

A woman seeking advice from a friend last night explained that she was unsure if or how she should tell her boyfriend that it might be time to give up his dream of playing professional football. She said that on the one hand she wanted to support him in the pursuit of the things that made him happy and there was little question that everything pertaining to football did just that. On the other hand she said that he was now almost thirty, hadn't played in a competitive manner in almost five years, and despite his best effort had not fully recovered from the injury that earlier ended his career. She said that even he would admit that his times and abilities were not what they used to be. But he had worked exhaustively to get himself in shape and had become convinced that his 'heart' would aid him where his body fell short.
While she felt this was noble and even somewhat inspiring, his efforts to get back into 'football shape' had come at the expense of opportunities to get steady work or finish school. She said that it felt like he was sacrificing things he could achieve to pursue the one thing he could not.
The friend said the woman was more than justified in feeling her boyfriend needed to face reality. She said there was nothing noble about selfishly pursuing a hopeless cause and said that if her boyfriend cared about anyone other than himself he would see that and move on with his life.
The woman said that six out of seven days a week she was inclined to agree. But on Monday mornings when her boyfriend's alarm went off and he leapt out of bed to workout while she struggled to drag herself to work she wondered if she wasn't the one who had it wrong.
Maybe it's not whether or not you achieve your goals, she said, but whether they make you excited about getting out of bed.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Man Unsatisfied With Failure Of Car Accident To Change His Life

A man told some friends over desert that he was disappointed in the failure of his recent car accident to have a long term effect on the way he lived his life. He said that while he personally had been only slightly injured, a person in the car behind him had died, a fact that initially shaken him severely. He said he really been forced to confront the fact that any given day could be his last and had assured himself he would live accordingly. However, in the month since he said he'd largely returned to his usual routine, a job he didn't care for, an excessive amount of TV, and a lack of concern for time wasted. He said it was disturbing to see how quickly the effects of what, at the time, seemed like a near death experience could wear off.
His friend suggested that perhaps car accidents weren't the best source of motivation. That perhaps it should be the love of live rather than the fear of death that he used for propulsion.
The man said that seemed to be his problem.
He couldn't seem to remember he loved life unless death was in the car behind him.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Man Concerned Over Fiancee's Request That He Use Rogaine

A man explained to his friend that he was a little bit concerned over his fiancee's recent requests that he start using Rogaine to curb his hair loss. He said that he would be the first to admit that his hair was thinning, and in fact he'd been thinking of just giving in and shaving his head bald rather than watching it go in stages. He said that he'd been thinning over the entire course of their relationship and that his fiancee had never expressed a concern with that fact. He wondered if the fact that she had suddenly become so concerned with his appearance prior to even being married was a sign of bad things to come.
His friend said that she probably was just concerned about wedding photos and wouldn't care one way or another after that.
The man said that he wanted to believe that, but ever since she'd asked him to use the Rogaine he felt that whenever she was talking to him her eyes were on his hairline rather than his face. He said he'd told her that he'd be glad to give it a try but that baldness ran in his family and that it might be inevitable. He said her assertions that is was okay had sounded less than reassuring. It was, he said, giving him pause with regards to the strength of their bond.
His friend said he couldn't imagine why either of them should be so concerned with such things.
After all, he said, what's marriage but a commitment to someone who's going to get uglier?

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Individual Unhappy With New roommate's Karaoke Addiction

An young man in a coffee shop was sharing his displeasure over his new roommate's addiction to karaoke last night. He said that in all other ways the man was a perfect roommate: clean, friendly, and relatively stable. However, when meeting to discuss the open room the individual had never mentioned his love of karaoke or the fact that in order to be competetive in the contests he apparently entered he practiced a great deal. The young man said he had finally asked the roommate if he would mind keeping the music down and the roommate had apologized profusely and promised to use headphones. The man said that this had only worsened the situation as he could still hear the roommate singing though he could no longer hear the music.
One of the man's friends asked if all the practice was getting the roommate anywhere, if, though it was annoying, the guy was any good.
The man said that was the scary part. Not only was he good, he sounded remarkably like the artist he most often imitated.
The friend wondered what was scary about that.
The man said the artist was Dido.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Man Unlikely To Have Children For Fear Of Passing On Ugliness

A man admitted to his friend over coffee that even if he someday found a girlfriend and got married he would be unlikely to have children for fear that he would pass on many of the same physical attributes that had made life difficult for him to this point. He said that his large ears, acne, oversized eyes, and extremely weak chin were all things that he could trace more or less directly back to his own father, and given the extremely painful ways in which people had teased him and stared at him his whole life due to these attributes he could not imagine taking a chance on subjecting a child to a similar fate.
The friend pointed out that the man was very smart and had a wonderful personality and that there was more to life than looks. To make a decision not to have children based on the idea that his looks might be passed on was overlooking the idea that his intelligence and personality would be passed on as well. Appearance would have virtually nothing to say about what the child might accomplish, be it making incredible music or curing cancer.
The man agreed that looks didn't determine what the child might accomplish, but they certainly determined some part of the problems he would face. The man said he'd cried after school on a daily basis and considered suicide often as a teen. If he was lucky enough not to end up alone and even have a procreation as a choice, he said he could hardly imagine being convinced that his child's potential for good work outweighed the nearly certain misery that looking like his father would bring.
Sometimes, he said, the best thing you can do to protect your kids is not have them.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Mother Tired Of Individuals Who Curse Around Children

A mother explained to her friend that she was tired of feeling like she could not take her children out in public without exposing them to indecent language. She wondered what had happened to having the common decency to filter one's language when young ears were present.
Her friend agreed and suggested that there should perhaps be a fine for those who curse in public. Sort of like a public swear jar.
The woman suggested that might work out great. She said the swear jar at house provided her with enough money to eat out on a monthly basis.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Man Relies On Dining Out To Force Conversation With Girlfriend

Last night a man explained to his friend that he'd come to rely on dining out to foster communication with his girlfriend. He explained that when seated across from one another in a restaurant there was no expectation that anyone or anything else would be along to entertain them. They were totally dependent on one another to avoid silence and provide conversation, and as a result they tended to talk a great deal more when they went out to dinner than at any other time. He offered that on a typical night at home they usually watched TV while they ate and spoke only in fits and starts during commercials. He said dining out was like paying to be sequestered from distractions so you could enjoy the person you loved.
His friend suggested that they could simply turn off the TV and enjoy some conversation at home.
If only that were true, the man replied.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Shameless Self Plug

Just a moment to invite you all to visit my new photo blog at:
Rude, brutal, angry cirticisms highly encouraged.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Young Girl Converses With Yo-Yo

Last night a young girl sat upside down in a bookstore chair and carried on a fairly loud conversation with a beeping toy yo-yo. She made various inquiries of the small yellow object and then somehow interpreted its answers from the electronic tones it made when she shook it. Among the things she asked of her yo-yo were the following:
Have you ever played truth or dare?
Was it fun or gross?
Do you love fashion?
At some point during her conversation she told the yo-yo to hold on, that she had a call on her other line. By this point her performance had drawn the attention of a majority of the bookstore patrons as she was essentially doing a handstand in the chair, her dress having fallen over her head exposing her undergarments, her pink sandals dangling from the tips of her inverted toes.
Hello, she said. The yo-yo again began beeping.
I’m not even going to talk about that, she replied.
She then flipped herself back onto her feet and walked away.
A patron remarked to her friend that she wished she felt free enough to talk to inanimate objects in a bookstore while sitting upside down with her dress over her head.
The friend remarked he would very much like to see that.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Doctors Debate Who's Seen The Most Senseless Tragedy

Last night a pair of doctors were discussing which of them had come across the more senseless tragedy. They defined senseless as not only sad, but difficult to understand, hard to believe, and impossible to forget. The first doctor recalled a patient who had been riding a motorcycle when he collided with an emu that was crossing the road. Both the patient and the emu had died as a result. The second doctor mentioned an incident in which a patient had lost control of a golf cart on a golf course and crashed into a cactus resulting in life altering head trauma. After debating the subject they failed to come to an agreement.
One doctor remarked that the Lord worked in funny ways sometimes.
The other doctor said she didn't really see the humor.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Student Feels Reading Is Overrated

A student studying for an English test with his classmates tonight stated that he felt that reading was highly overrated. He explained that his parents and teachers were forever arguing that he should read more books and complaining that TV and video games were 'rotting his brain'. However, he pointed out that everything from theater to radio to film had at one time been decried as the death of art and an indicator of the downfall of society, and he argued that the future would probably look upon arguments against TV and video games in the same quaint way we now look at those against these other mediums. He felt that the purpose of any diversion was to entertain, challenge, and sometimes to educate, all of which TV and video games could accomplish. It wasn't that he had any problem with reading, he said, but that he didn't feel it deserved to be held up as the pinnacle of leisure activities. To him, he said, a moment enjoyed was not a moment wasted.
One of his classmates said that they felt that was a good quote and asked him who'd said it.
The student said he didn't know, he'd heard it on TV.

[ed's note: possible var. on Bertrand Russell - 'a moment you enjoy wasting is not a moment wasted']