Friday, July 29, 2005

Mother Asks Son To Come To His Own Intervention

The mother of a young man who apparently had a drinking problem was arguing with him about who was at fault in a recent dust up between the young man and his brother. The young man claimed that his brother was being unreasonable. The mother retorted that the brother had every right to be upset with the young man, who had apparently borrowed his brother's car, driven home intoxicated at some point in the night, and then left the car in the street with the door open and the engine running, a situation the brother did not discover until the following morning when he headed off for work and saw he vehicle idling cockeyed in the street.
The young man said he'd simply had a little too much to drink and it was not that big a deal. His mother disagreed. She said that these events were happening far too often and that everyone was worried.
We're throwing you an intervention, she said, I really think you should come.
The young man said that you can't tell someone you're having an intervention for them, it's like the Japanese phoning ahead to tell Pearl Harbor they're on the way.
I just want to make sure you show up sober, she replied.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Man Finds Interesting Reason For Date To Come Back To His Place

A young man in a coffee shop with a date last night asked her if she'd like to accompany him back to his place. When she seemed hesitant he explained that his sister had made a great deal of fruit cocktail for a party, much of which had not been eaten. Unless someone ate it soon she would be forced to throw it out. He suggested she might stop in for just a few minutes to have a fruit cocktail. If she didn't want to stay he could even wrap some up for her to take home.
The girl said she didn't think she liked fruit cocktail. She said she liked to keep her fruits separate.
They sat in silence for a few moments.
Do you like strawberries, the young man asked, I could pull out the strawberries for you.
The girl asked if he was always this concerned about food going to waste.
No, he said, this is my first time.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Man Unable To Enjoy 40 Dollar Sandwich

A man eating lunch at an upscale restaurant in Beverly Hills said that he was so uncomfortable with the price of his sandwich that he was unable to enjoy it. He dining companion told him that the lunch was being expensed and not to worry about the price, but the man said that wasn't possible. He said that with every ingredient he couldn't stop doing various mathematical calculations in his head. For instance he said that there was probably only an eighth of a pound of meat on his sandwich, meaning that the restaurant valued it's pastrami at somewhere around 320 dollars a pound. He said that he could likely eat the entire sandwich in less that twenty bites, meaning that each bite cost about two dollars. He pointed out that for the price of this one small sandwich he could have gotten eight footlong sandwiches at Subway or Quiznos, which, in all honesty, he said would probably have even tasted better.
His companion told him to focus less on the sandwich specifically and more on the experience of eating at a nice restaurant in one of the most exclusive parts of the city.
I've tried, but it doesn't work for me, the man said. I'm not eating the city.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Visiting Parents Want To See Local Grocery Stores

A woman was talking to a friend in a coffee shop last night about a recent visit her parents had made. Unsure what to do with them, she said that she had spent a fair amount of time researching various local tourist options that might be entertaining. However, when she pitched her parents their options they asked her about her local grocery stores. Apparently they'd made a hobby out of wandering various grocery stores on the weekends and eating samples and marveling at selections. They told her about the wonderful experience they'd recently had while visiting the woman's brother in Austin, where a very large new grocery store had just been built. The woman said she thought that they must be joking, that surely they hadn't flown all the way out to visit her only to spend their time wandering the aisles of grocery stores. But that's precisely what they did. Three hours in one store on Saturday. Four hours in another on Sunday. Her father had even taken photos. He showed her several of lobsters in a tank. When they'd left town the woman said they'd told her they had a wonderful time. The woman said that, although crazy, her parent's were at least easy to entertain.
Her friend asked if they'd bought anything in their seven hours in the stores.
Yes, the woman said, a quarter pound of what her mother called 'fancy nuts'.

Monday, July 11, 2005


Paper Sack Lifetime will be on vacation until July 18th.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Campers Mourn Lack Of Cell Phone Service

A group of teenage girls riding the tram on the south rim of the Grand Canyon expressed a series of emotions including rage, disbelief, and mourning at learning that their cell phones did not work in the park. They argued that it was unfathomable that a place so full of people could fail to provide such a basic communications service and asked how they were supposed to keep in touch with their friends back home without their phones. One of the adults with the group told the girls that their friends would still be there when they returned home and said that if they were that desperate to talk about something with their distant mates then they could place collect phone calls from the park gift shop. The girls found this idea almost as objectionable as the fact that the park had no cell service.
How long are we here anyway, asked one of the girls.
Six days, responded a female chaperone.
If I have to spend six days staring at this big hole, threatened one of the teens, I'm going to to jump in.
The man who'd earlier suggested making collect calls reminded her to take her cell phone so she could call for help.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Woman Asks Daughter If She Wants To Be A Stupid Bitch

A woman and her daughter were pushing their cart through the aisles of Wal-Mart yesterday while carrying on a heated discussion. The daughter repeatedly told her mother that she no longer cared to discuss the subject at hand and that nothing her mother could say about it was going to change her position.
The mother grabbed the cart and stopped her daughter in her tracks and asked if her daughter wanted to know the truth about things or if she just wanted to be a stupid bitch. When the girl did not respond the mother went on to say that she'd been forced to make the decision she'd made because of an 89,000 dollar debt. She asked her daughter if she happened to have 89,000 dollars jingling in her pockets.
The daughter said no, no one could get 89,000 dollars in their pockets.
The mother explained that if the girl continued to be smart with her she'd 'slap her head sideways.'
The daughter then exclaimed that she saw her teacher and ran down the aisle. She gave her teacher a hug.

(apologies for the late post - my internet's been down.)

Friday, July 01, 2005

High Priestess Explains Duties and Powers To Date

A young woman dressed all in black was talking to a similarly dressed young man in the Religion and Occult section of a bookstore last night. Grabbing a book she explained that she was the High Priestess of a local group of witches who relied on the volume for all their spells. The young man said that High Priestess sounded like a pretty important position. She said that it was pretty much the most important position there was. He asked what it meant she had to do. She replied that she had to do pretty much everything. For instance, when members of the group had to be given special names, it was her job to come up with them. She did not specify any other duties.
When the young man asked what the spells could do, she said they could do pretty much anything. The young man asked if there was anyway they could use spells to make money, like predicting lottery numbers.
No, she said, you can't do that.