Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Girl To Good Looking To Be A Best Friend

A young man in a coffee shop was encouraging his girlfriend to spend more time hanging out with her friends so that he might spend more time with his male friends. The girl said that she didn't really have many really good friends because most of them were jealous of her appearance. She said that while she was sometimes invited out in big groups, none of the girls felt like hanging out with her by themselves because it made them feel bad about their bodies. On occasions when the girls went to the beach or did something that might call for revealing clothing, she said she was never invited because of the way she looked in her swimwear in comparison to the other girls. And at dinners she said she'd received glares from 'friends' for eating a normal sized meal while those not blessed with her metabolism picked at salads.
The young man asked if she was honestly saying that she was 'too cute' to have best friends.
I'm not saying I couldn't have best friends, she said, they'd just have to good looking enough not to be intimidated. That's why you always see hot girls in pairs.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Man Pleased That Girlfriend's Career Failures Force Her To Stay In Shape

A man in a coffee shop this morning was telling a friend that while many people had suggested to his girlfriend that it might be time to give up on her thus far unsuccessful attempt to be an actress, he said that he was more than happy to see her keep going because the demands of the job motivated her to keep herself in fantastic shape. He said that the pressure to keep pace with stars like Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz had sculpted and toned his girlfriend's body to near perfection, and as long as she had a desire to be part of the entertainment industry, he said he never had to worry about her letting herself go. Nor did he have to sound like a 'bad guy' for suggesting that she watch her diet or figure, because these things were all necessary for her to further her career. The fact that she had yet to land a part or make any money didn't bother him in the least. He said that he'd been the breadwinner in previous relationships and getting those girls to go on a diet had been like pulling teeth.
His friend asked if the girlfriend was still enjoying the acting or if she was giving serious thought to giving it up.
The man said that she'd been pretty depressed with her lack of success and had talked about wanting to move on.
His friend suggested that if she was unhappy, maybe that would be for the best.
Why, the man asked, then she'd just be unhappy and fat.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Man Attempting To Burn Son Out On Baseball

A man was complaining to his friend in coffee shop yesterday about how much he hated baseball and how he was anxiously awaiting the day that his son wised up and joined him. He said that he was taking the boy to practices four nights a week and sitting through at least two games on the weekends. Beyond that, his son had talked him into buying partial season tickets for the local major league club and together they'd suffered through eleven games which he described as 'professional paint drying contests.'
His friend suggested that perhaps he should lessen his exposure if he hated it so much.
The man said that exposure was the key, as it was only with exposure that his son would grow to realize what an awful game it was. At some point he'd see that it was mostly standing around and failing to hit things. Then he'd watch the coach's son throw a tantrum for the hundredth time when he was removed from the pitcher's mound and suddenly he'd get it - it's a horrible game played by horrible people, and he'd never want anything to do with it again. And if allowing his son to wallow in the game almost non-stop could help him learn this lesson sooner, then all the suffering would be worth it.
His friend said he doubted very much that such an approach would be successful.
It worked for my dad, the man said.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Woman Feels Friends Divorce Has Improved Her Marriage

A woman talking to a friend in a coffee shop last night said that she felt the ongoing divorce of a mutual acquaintance had drastically improved the state of her own marriage. She and her husband had been talking very little and arguing a great deal of late, but since news of the divorce had gotten out it was if they'd once again found something mutually interesting to discuss. Further, she felt that the emerging details of just how many issues the divorcing husband was having to deal with had led her husband to rediscover his appreciation of being married. They'd been out to dinner four times and had sex twice since the news broke. She said she was so pleased with the change that she was beginning to hold back the latest information regarding the divorce to dole it out more slowly.
Her friend asked why?
She said that it was similar to the way that people tended to drive more safely for a while after seeing a wreck, but after a time they'd simply return to normal.
If I want things to stay like this, she said, I have to keep spreading the wreck down the road.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Man Sees Potential In Not Helping Weak And Sick

A man discussing the aftermath of the recent hurricane with friends wondered aloud what, as a society, we might be able to accomplish if instead of diverting funds to help our weakest individuals, we applied those resources to improving the lot of the fittest individuals. He argued that in the rest of the animal kingdom this was precisely how things worked, that the weak and sick were abandoned if not killed and eaten by those around them. Therefore, he felt that the weakest members of the gene pool were sorted out and the strongest members pressed on, all of which helped those species continue to improve. He said that in essence, our desire to help the weak instead of get rid of them was keep us from evolving. He asked his friends to imagine a world in which we did not coddle the poor and jobless, but got rid of them.
One of his friends pointed out that he sounded a little but like Hitler.
The man paused a moment and then agreed that he kind of did.
Of course, Jews aren't really on the agenda, he said, I'm talking about people without jobs or money.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Computer Tech Told To Pretend He's Not In Middle Of Blackout

A technical support representative was having coffee with a coworker last night and explaining how he'd been forced to work through a blackout. He said that when the power went down everyone had initially celebrated, thinking that they might get a breather from answering calls or perhaps even sent home since none of the computers worked and without them they were unable to access any information about the customers or their computers. However, the blackout had not affected the phones and because the company he worked for was an outsourcer, they were paid by the manufacturer based on the number of calls they handled. Therefore, his manager had made them continue taking calls - in the dark. The manager had also stressed that they should not let on that they did not have power as this would make the customers suspicious, and instructed the support reps to continue acting as if they were looking up the customer's information despite not having any functioning computers.
His coworker asked how the manager had suggested that they get access to the information they needed to actually solve people's problems.
He told us to wing it, the rep said, and if we were wrong they'd call back.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Man With Screwdriver In Anus Feels Hospital Service Is Subpar

A doctor in coffee shop yesterday morning was telling a colleague about a patient who'd been complaining endlessly about the quality of care he'd received since being admitted to the hospital. She said that he'd come in with 'abdominal pain' but had failed to mention anything about the cordless electric screwdriver he'd inserted in his rectum. When they finally discovered the problem through examination, he'd been rushed to surgery where it was discovered that he'd perforated his bowel, something that could easily have killed him. But rather than being remotely grateful as he recovered, she said he'd been complaining about the quality of the food, the fact that he couldn't get his favorite program on the TV, and the lack of attention he felt he'd been receiving from the nursing staff. She said she felt like slapping him and reminding him that he was only here because he'd stuck an appliance into his ass.
Her colleague said it was cases like this that made him question the way medicine was practiced today.
Just in evolutionary terms, he said, should we really be saving the ones with screwdrivers in their asses?

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

On Vacation Through 9-9

Be back next week.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Driver's New Generosity Motivated By Puppy

A man conversing with a work mate at a coffee shop yesterday said that after driving to work by the same route for several years and passing the same man seeking change at the same stoplight every morning, he had for the first time actually felt motivated to give the man money. The only difference was the presence of a puppy. The driver said that the panhandler now held not only his sign, but a small and adorable dog which he smiled at and allowed to lick his face while waiting for change. The driver said that the scene has so moved him that for the first time he'd rolled down his window and given the man five dollars. Since then he'd been trying to figure out exactly what it was that had caused him to do so. He theorized that perhaps the presence of the dog made the man seem somehow more human or relatable, or his problems more real. Perhaps it made him seem less like a pariah who would use the money for alcohol and more like a father. The driver said he'd tried to convince himself that any of these was the real reason, but that they all felt as if they felt short.
His work mate asked what the driver felt the real reason was.
The man said he'd simply been concerned about the dog. He'd been worried that the animal might not get proper food or care, and that he'd wanted to be sure that wasn't the case. The driver said that upon reflection this thought had made him feel more guilty than generous.
For years it hardly bothered me that a man might go hungry, but the minute I saw that puppy, he said, I went for my wallet. What does that say about me?