Monday, February 28, 2005

Teens Tease One Another Over Responsibility For Classmates Pregnancy

A group of thirteen to fourteen year old boys in a bookstore last night were teasing one another about which of them they believed to be responsible for the pregnancy of one of their classmates. It was established that at least four of them had engaged in sexual relations with the girl, though two of them denied having done so for a number of months. Both of the remaining boys admitted that they did not use condoms and had been having sex with the girl during the period in which she apparently became pregnant, but felt quite certain that the pregnancy was not a result of their actions. The child could not be theirs, they said, because they 'knew what they were doing'.
The remaining boys took great pleasure in teasing the two potential fathers, imagining them raising the child in tandem. Someone suggested that perhaps she would have twins and then they could each raise one as their own.
One of the boys grew tired of the jokes and told his friends to cut it out. He said that just because he and the other boy had slept with her didn't mean they were the only suspects.
Probably, he ventured, it could be a lot of people

Friday, February 25, 2005

Girl Feels Poor Vision Has Improved Self Confidence

A girl explained to her friend last night that she felt a renewed sense of confidence since she had stopped wearing her glasses or contacts into the bathroom. She stated that with her glasses on she tended to focus on things like her freckles, pimples, and oily skin, all of which were very difficult to see without some sort of corrective lens. Thus, by removing her glasses prior to situations in which she might encounter herself in a mirror, she had begun to feel better about the way she looked.
Her friend offered that while that was nice she hated to be the one to point out that just because the girl was choosing not to see herself clearly didn't mean that others had the same problem. She reminded her that others actually saw her the way that she would appear if she had her glasses on.
The girl said that she was aware of that, but that it was beside the point. The point, as she saw it, was that she FELT better about herself when she did not wear corrective lenses around mirrors. Whereas she might previously have returned from the bathroom feeling depressed and overcome with self doubt she was now able to return feeling confident and beautiful, which she felt was every bit as important as how she actually appeared.
She'd become more attractive, she said, by simply not being as aware of how she looked.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Man Fears Housemate Has Him Under Hypnotic Spell

A man told a group of friends that he was conferring with a lawyer to see about having his housemate evicted on the grounds that he feared the housemate was manipulating him through the use of hypnosis. Apparently the housemate was a part time hypnotist who performed at parties and conferences and had demonstrated his skills at a party the man had hosted a little over a month ago. During the party the man had submitted to being hypnotized and his friends recalled that he had in fact done a number of hilarious things while in his housemate's control. The man said that he too had thought it was all in fun, but that he had recently discovered that he no longer enjoyed the taste of Oreos, which had been his favorite cookie for many years. In fact he said he now found them downright foul. At first, he said he felt he might have gotten a bad batch, but he claimed to have subsequently purchased several packages all with the same result. He said that upon further reflection he had suddenly remembered the housemate complaining about the way the Oreos left dark crumbs everywhere and he now suspected that while he'd been hypnotized the housemate had programmed him to dislike Oreos. He said the housemate denied this.
His friends told him in no uncertain terms that they felt this was ridiculous. Several of them stated that hypnotism did not work that way, that people could not be programmed to do things they truly did not want to do, that surely he would remember having been told not to like Oreos, and that even if the housemate had planted a suggestion in his head weeks ago it certainly would have worn off by now.
The man stated that they did not understand just how awful Oreos now tasted, a reaction that could ONLY be explained by hypnotism, and he countered that he remembered nothing about what he had done while under his housemate's control so he could easily have programmed him to dislike Oreos. The man said he had an appointment with a doctor who he hoped would be able to undo the damage.
One of his friends agreed that he should certainly see a doctor, but suggested the man inquire about his paranoia rather than his taste buds.
Paranoia, the man countered, has nothing to do with Oreos.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Relationship Ends Over Man's Refusal To Quit Job As Security Guard

Late last night a couple decided to terminate an eleven month relationship when the man affirmed his commitment to a job as a security guard. His girlfriend stated that she felt it was a dead end job and that she was embarrassed to admit to her friends that someone she was dating patrolled the local mall in a uniform with a fake badge. She reminded him that in the beginning of their relationship he'd made it clear that he considered the position temporary, but since then he'd turned down numerous opportunities to move into jobs with better hours and equal or better pay. She said that if he really liked security then he should stop pretending and apply for the police academy so that he could do the job for real.
The man said that if she was so embarrassed she need not tell her friends about his work, and assured her that since he worked to night shift he was unlikely to come in contact with anyone she knew. He admitted that he had originally thought the job would be temporary but had grown to like it, and was not interested in becoming a cop. He said the job gave him time to think.
The girl said she could not imagine how he could be so devoid of ambition, how he could accept such a lowly career.
He said he didn't understand it himself, but for some reason he truly enjoyed his job. He said he'd had enough awful jobs to recognize how rare that was, and so he was not in a hurry to give it up.
His girlfriend asked if he thought that was the most important thing, that he enjoy his job. She asked if he thought it was more important than their relationship.
He said he didn't know. He asked if she thought the fact that she was embarrassed about his job was more important than their relationship.
She said yes, it probably was.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Child Promises To Dedicate Entire Room In Future Home To Garfield

A child in line with his mother at a bookstore was excitedly thumbing through a book of Garfield comic strips and explaining the depth and breadth of his love for the character. The boy, who was approximately eight, told his mother that this was an especially good book because it contained some of the funniest strips in the comic's history and he laughed in a mildly forced sounding manner after stopping on a page somewhere in the middle of the book. He explained to his mother that this book and others which he had purchased were all bound to increase in value over the years as collectors tried to get their hands on them. However, he said he did not plan to sell his collection. Instead, he stated that when he was grown he would dedicate an entire room in his house to Garfield, painting it orange, decorating the walls with posters and Garfield art, and filling the cabinets with his extensive collection of Garfield books and toys.
His mother said she doubted very much that he'd want a Garfield room in his house when he was older.
The boy argued that he certainly would, that Garfield was his favorite thing.
Well, even favorite things change, she said. You'll see.
The boy went quiet and looked at the book in his had without opening it. Neither of them spoke again.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

American Students Prepare To Impersonate Canadians Abroad

Last night a pair of American students discussing their plans to travel to Europe this summer debated the idea of pretending to be from Canada in order to avoid anti-American sentiment. One of the students had just returned from traveling in South America and was emphatic that admitting to be American had brought him nothing but trouble during his trip. The other student said that he did not feel right lying about where he was from, that in fact he was proud to be an American and that he had even voted for G. W. Bush in the last election. The more experienced traveler told him that it didn't matter who he voted for or what his political views were, that the prejudices against all Americans were strong enough to ruin a vacation and the easiest way to insure a good time was to simply lie.
His friend said he didn't know anything about Canada and wouldn't have a clue how to impersonate a Canadian. The traveling student said it hardly mattered, simply saying you were Canadian was now sufficient to show you disapproved of American politics even if no one believed you. The other student renewed his objection, repeating that he did not disapprove of American politics. The traveling student told him it was his funeral, but if he was going to be American he'd be traveling alone.
He said that if his friend really wanted to have a good time all he had to do was memorize two words.
Vancouver and Aboot.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Couple Blames Crying Child On Parents Being Foreign

A young middle eastern boy slipped away from his parents yesterday and raced into a bookstore elevator as the door was closing. His father chased after him but did not reach the elevator until the door had closed. He peeled back the exterior door until an alarm sounded and the bulk of the door reopened. The young boy was inside, crying. His parents entered the elevator and both chastised him for running away and assured him that he was safe.
A Caucasian female witnessing the scene turned to her partner and said, that's what you get for not having control of your child.
Her boyfriend, also Caucasian, replied, that's what you get for being a damn foreigner.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Man Laments Inability To Maintain Blog

A man expressed his disappointment in himself today for failing to maintain his blog. His angst was not rooted in his failure to provide new content for readers in that he was well aware that no one was actually following his work, but in his failure to meet his own expectations, to remain committed to something as simple as typing a few lines of overheard conversation on a daily basis. He wondered sadly what this might mean for larger projects he'd undertaken, projects like losing weight and progressing his career, projects that might take more commitment and offer even less in terms of reward and feedback. If he couldn't even commit to a few words a day, what hope did he really have of accomplishing anything?
He vowed to change, to rededicate himself to all his goals including the blog. He didn't actually say these things out loud. If he had those who knew him would say they'd heard it before.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Deaf Couple Has Argument In Bookstore

A deaf couple communicating entirely in sign language had a lengthy argument in the middle of a bookstore yesterday. Though no words were exchanged, the force of their movements and the expression on each individuals face indicated that they were extremely upset with one another. As the situation escalated it almost appeared as if they were engaged in some sort of non contact martial arts and the spectacle eventually drew a sizable crowd of spectators. Finally the man involved in the dispute walked away leaving the woman behind. Upon noticing the crowd of people who were staring the woman gave a sign to the crowd using only her middle finger, then exited.
One observer was overhead telling someone on a cell phone that he had just witnessed an argument with a great deal of style.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Student Laments Lack of Terrorist Attack During Superbowl

A student confessed to a friend over coffee that he was secretly hoping for some sort of terrorist attack during the Superbowl. He said that while he did not wish anyone specific any harm, that he could not deny that there was something incredibly exciting about the atmosphere surrounding terrorist attacks. He remembered the way people stayed home from work to watch the news in the wake of the September 11th attacks, an experience he likened to a national snow day.
His friend said he felt it was fairly sick to be hoping that a large never of people would be killed or injured just to add a small amount of excitement to one's day.
The student said he probably wasn't explaining himself right.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Male Shoppers Feel Britney Unlikely To Recover From Pregnancy

Two men waiting in line to purchase a case of beer at a grocery store stated that should Britney Spears become pregnant in the near future, she was unlikely to regain her form. The discussion was prompted by a tabloid cover which seemed to indicate that such a pregnancy was imminent. The men seemed agreed that her figure was not a natural asset but a result of constant work and careful dieting, and anything that caused her to deviate from that plan, certainly a pregnancy, would be disastrous. One man said that he felt that Britney was constantly at war with her body, that she didn't really have the body of a model or an actress, but the body of a regular woman. He felt that after pregnancy, she would no longer be able to hide that fact.
The other man said it was a shame since it seemed to him Britney had done such a good job managing her career, avoiding the pitfalls that had plagued teen stars like Tiffany and Debbie Gibson and molding herself in the likeness of longtime stars like Madonna. However, he said that staying ahead of the music trends was one thing, staying ahead of her diet would be another. If pregnancy ruined her figure, he said, it wouldn't matter what she was singing.
His friend agreed, adding that there are no fat girls on MTV.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Man Passes Self Administered Sobriety Test, Drives Away

A lone man walked awkwardly out of a restaurant last night and paused by his car before self administering a sobriety test. He attempted to hold his arms out and touch his nose, to walk the painted line at the edge of his parking slot, and to stand on a single leg for some length of time. He did not appear to do particularly well with any of the tests and stumbled noticeably during the one leg test. He then took a seat against the side of his car and appeared to take a nap. Another patron leaving the restaurant stepped over and asked if he was doing all right.
He responded that he was 'doing great'.
Moments later the man and his vehicle were gone.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Man Feels Makeover Shows Teach Conformity

A man discussing MTV's Made with what appeared to be a co-worker stated that he felt that makeover shows were not really beneficial to the people involved, but instead were merely a way of acknowledging that their natural personalities and proclivities were socially damaging and an opportunity to impress upon the participants that if they want people to like them, they really need to be less like themselves. He cited a recent show where the participant wanted to get a date but was geeky and like computer games and tended to talk about Lord Of The Rings without provocation. The show demonstrated how he repelled girls on his own, then endeavored to remake him, telling him how to dress, how to act, and what to say. In the end he got a date. The man felt that this was hardly something to celebrate, but instead an instance in which a unique individual had been taught that if he wanted to get ahead, he must look and act like everyone else.
His co-worker stated that while that might be true, clearly the kid hadn't gotten dates before, and by following the shows advice that changed.
So great, the man summarized, the message is that if you want to be happy, stop being different.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

College Student To Be Disappointed If Not Retired At 35

A college student engaged in conversation with what was believed to be his advisor yesterday was asked what age he would like to retire. He responded that he really couldn't see himself working past age 35. His advisor indicated that 35 was a very early age to think about ending a career and asked the student how specifically he thought he could achieve his goal. The student mentioned that although he hated banks he knew someone who worked for BofA and so probably he would do something 'financial' for them. He also indicated that his girlfriend was thinking about Law School, so probably she would make enough money for the both of them.
The advisor wondered if the student had thought about it from a non monetary point of view and questioned how the student thought he's be satisfied if he stopped working at age 35. What, specifically, did the student plan to do with his life?
The student replied that he didn't really know. Probably, he said, I'll just have some kids.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Girl Blames Inability To Workout On NPR

Last night a girl explained to her friends that she was pulling out of their diet challenge because she'd been prevented from working out by National Public Radio. She went on to explain that the gym where she regularly exercises had been having some sort of problem with their stereo system and the only broadcast available to clients was NPR. She said that on several occasions she had tried to workout and disregard the broadcast but had found it impossible.
Specifically she said she could not concentrate on her heart rate and calories burned while someone was talking about the number of people who had died in Iraq that day.