Monday, January 31, 2005

Bookstore Patrons Refuse Conversation With Senior Citizen

A senior gentlemen made five attempts at conversation with various bookstore patrons and employees yesterday, but was rebuffed by all. For the first hour the gentlemen intermittently read from a book called "The Christian Dictionary" and attempted to talk to a male student working on a paper. He asked the student: did he like his computer, what was he writing, and did he like his classes? The student gave brief answers to each and after the third question closed his notebook and left.
The gentlemen then wandered into the religion section and attempted to talk with a red haired female. The female smiled politely and then left the store.
Finally, the gentlemen moved down to the information booth where he began to converse with a female bookstore employee. The employee became annoyed and loudly announced that she did not have all day to stand around talking to the gentlemen. She then walked away.
With most of the store's patrons still staring, the gentlemen took a business card from the counter and left.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Woman States That Most Tsunami Victims Are Probably In Hell

A young lady discussing the fate of tsunami victims with a woman she apparently considered an expert was told that all non Christian victims were likely in hell. The woman stated that the Bible teaches that Christ is the only path to heaven and that only those who have accepted him as the son of God will be offered entry. The young lady asked if this included children and babies who might have been too young to have heard of Jesus Christ. The authority stated that it was their parent’s responsibility to have their children baptized to prepare for such situations. The young lady then asked about members of remote villages, places where even the parents had not heard of Jesus Christ. The authority offered that those people were likely in hell also and suggested that this is why it was so important for Christians to do their best to spread the word about Christ.
The young lady said that it really didn’t seem fair that even if you lived a good life and had never heard of Christ you could still end up in hell. The woman explained that Heaven was a product not just of deeds but of a relationship with Jesus.
She said that probably there were a lot of good people in hell.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Girl Considers Sending Journal To Boy Who Rejected Her

At a coffee shop late last night an emotionally distraught young woman discussed the advantages and disadvantages of sending her journal to a young man who had apparently rejected her advances. Among the advantages she cited was the fact that she felt she'd expressed her feelings so much better in her journal than she'd been able to do on the phone. She felt she'd failed to capture the depth of her feelings in their conversation, but since she'd written about him for months, the journal would communicate it clearly.
A friend asked the young woman what she thought it would accomplish. She asked if the young woman thought the journal would change his mind.
The young woman stated that she didn't know, but that she felt he needed to read it and hoped that maybe if he understood the scale of her love he might feel differently. And if not she felt that at least the he'd understand the pain his rejection had caused her. She then asked her friend what she would do.
Honestly, her friend said, I'd probably just set it on fire.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Bookstore Employee Feels "Pride And Prejudice" Probably Not A Book

A bookstore employee asked to assist a customer in locating a copy of "Pride and Prejudice" stated that she didn't think it was a book. She offered that she knew it was a movie, and that the movie had been adapted from something, but she didn't remember it being a book.
The customer stated that although she did not know the name of the author, the text was required for a class her son was in so she felt certain it must be a book. Together they searched the shelves unsuccessfully until the customer relented and thanked the employee for her help. The employee then suggested that perhaps she should check the database before they called off their efforts. Upon discovering that in fact "Pride and Prejudice" was a book and available in the store she offered the following response:
What do you know, I guess they did make a book out of it.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

White Teens Lament Not Being Black

While waiting outside a mall a pair of white teen males discussed what they felt were the advantages of being black. They cited hair, specifically the ability to wear both an afro and corn rows, as well as being able to pull off being bald. They felt that being black would make a career in music, particularly in rap or hip-hop, more attainable. One of them mentioned affirmative action, but they agreed that they weren't really sure how that worked and neither of them was much interested in college anyway. They also cited the freedom to use any and all racial epithets in everyday speech as a bonus.
One of the individuals said that being black provided one with the freedom to go almost anywhere, while being white had restrictions. He stated that a black person could travel in both Beverly Hills and Compton and feel safe while a white person could not.
The other individual argued that black people are often harassed by police in places like Beverly Hills.
The first individual responded that he'd rather get pulled over than shot.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Student Would Use Invisibility To Fight Terror

A student who was working as part of some sort of study group explained that were he to suddenly find himself invisible he would utilize his powers to hunt down and kill terrorists. He stated that he would travel to Iraq and wander its most dangerous areas until he was able to come across the hideouts and bases of operation for various terror and insurgent campaigns. He would then sneak in unseen and execute the terrorists. He mused that he might not kill everyone, but might let word seep out that an invisible force was killing terrorists in the hopes that fear might cause other terrorists to halt their work, thus saving him the trouble of having to find and kill them himself. When he was satisfied that he'd eliminated the serious terror threats he stated that he would return home where he would apply to same methods to stamping out drugs and organized crime. Other students offered their views on how his plans might be imporved or made more effective, but seemed generally on board with his plan of action.
However, another student dissented, arguing that were he to suddenly find himself invisible, his first stop would be the Playboy Mansion. This gave the others pause and when the discussion continued it was agreed that any contingency plans for invisibility would have to include this step.

Monday, January 24, 2005

Paramedics Find Humor In Co-Worker's Head Injury

Two paramedics were retrieving coffee before the start of their shift yesterday when it was revealed that one of their co-workers had suffered a head injury and now had mental 'deficits'. According to one of the paramedics the injury officially occurred while the individual was washing one of the ambulances and fell off. However, the injured individual had a reputation for being a bit of a joker and rumor had it he was actually dancing on top of a soapy ambulance and slipped off. The other paramedic, who apparently knew the individual, said he could certainly see how that could be the case.
The injured individual had now returned to work, according to the first paramedic, but was not yet ready for active duty. Instead he was often seen around the station where apparently his co-workers were having trouble differentiating between his sense of humor and his mental 'deficits'. When the second paramedic asked him to explain, the first paramedic stated that the injured man had been repeatedly asking his co-workers if they wanted him to wash their backs. "Hey man, you need a back wash. You want me to wash your back," the first paramedic said as examples.
Both men laughed hard until their names were called and their coffee was ready. The second paramedic then stated that he felt bad, and that really they should not be laughing.
The first paramedic sipped his coffee then asked, what the hell else are you going to do?

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Skinny Teens Ponder How Fat People Fall In Love

Last night two girls with a combined weight of approximately 220 pounds tried to understand what made it possible for fat people to fall in love with one another. One girl stated that even fat people found models and celebrities, especially skinny ones, attractive. She wondered how, if their standards for attraction were the same, fat people could genuinely be attracted to one another. Her counterpart argued that perhaps they had no choice, that fat people could not get get dates with skinny people and therefore chose from what was available. But choosing out of desperation was not the same as attraction argued the first girl, concluding that in fact fat people were not really attracted to one another and that all relationships between them were merely an attempt to stave off loneliness.
The second girl contemplated this a moment then responded that seeing fat people buying make-up and perfume always depressed her because, really, what was the point.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Teenager Declares Olive Garden "Fancy Restaurant"

A teenager in a coffee shop warned his friends that he is just as 'retarded' whether he's in a coffee shop or a fancy restaurant like Olive Garden. Other teens then chimed in with their own thoughts about the greatness of Olive Garden. Among the distinguishing features mentioned were: breadsticks and salad.
Discussion thereafter was short lived and scattered as the effects of caffeine began to take hold and teens began to pester their parents that it was time to go home.
Not involved in the fancy restaurant debate were apparently single mothers of two of the teens who were competing for attention/interest of a balding individual, possibly some sort of youth minister. A sentence beginning, "That's not what the scripture says...", was overheard but the actual message of the scripture was lost in the din. Mothers each told their overcaffeinated children to take a walk several times and seemed to be fighting a war of attrition to see who would give in to their teen's demands for an exit first, providing the other some alone time with the bald individual (bald but conceivably attractive). Battle ended in stalemate when mothers decided on a simultaneous exit, but not without insisting they do this again, soon.
Teen who initiated fancy restaurant discussion was heard suggesting to his mother that they eat out for dinner. Mother asked what he had in mind.
Teen suggested Taco Bell.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Individual In Coffee Shop Plans To Turn Geo Tracker Into 'Show' Car

An unnamed individual in a coffee shop fought off vehement protests from what were believed to be his friends and family last night and vowed to pursue his dream of turning a mid 90's Geo Tracker into a 'show' car. His plans include a new engine, transmission, wheels, interior, and TV monitors in the headrests and dashboard.
The protesters attempted to point out that the cost of a new engine alone would be more than the Tracker was currently worth. Further, they questioned the wisdom of choosing a car like the Tracker, given it's relatively unpopular nature, to make into a show vehicle. Finally, they pointed out that the individual often chose not to drive the tracker because he felt it was a 'death trap'.
The individual responded that he would also be buying another car (Dodge Shadow) which he would actually drive while the Tracker was undergoing renovation. The finished Tracker would not be a commuting vehicle, but an investment. He stated that he's certain that the finished vehicle will be worth far more than the sum of its parts.
Just you wait, he said. Just you wait.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Money Now ROLLING In

WOW! I've earned 87 cents through my affiliation with google's adsense program thus far. I'm pretty sure all the clicks are from me. When and if I cross the dollar mark perhaps I'll have it framed.

Still no bids on the photos although I've received several comments on the general swellness of them. Please stop by and feel free to register your thoughts.

Photo 1 and Photo 2

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Cashing In On Photos

Originally uploaded by killen8.
So far the million dollar tote board is looking a little lite. So to really ramp up the income I've begun selling my photography on ebay. It's perfect because, much like writing, photography is one of those things you can say you do and no one will take you seriously, so as a means of generating income it fits right in with my scheme. Hey, no one said I could write and last year I earned $453 to prove them wrong. I'm sure this will be no different. If you love the photo let me know, or feel free to touch up my auctions at Photo 1 and Photo 2 You too could be a proud owner and make your own contribution to the tote board at the same time.

New Ab Plan

As mentioned I didn't have the equipment to stick with the other plan beyond the first two weeks, so here's the new one.
It's basically just two exercises performed as four supersets three times a week. Seems a little too easy. We shall see.

Ab Photo 1

Here's what I have to work with. It's frightening I'll grant you. It's a shame you can't count visible ribs as part of the washboard. In any case, hopefully in eight weeks this picture will only remind us how far we've come. Right now it indicates that there's a long, long way to go.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Million Dollar Update One

Well let's be honest, there are some good ways to make a million dollars. The best is to invest something like ten million dollars and then collect the interest. Short of that you should really be looking into something financial, and short of that you should have a brilliant idea, start a company and then pray for an IPO.

I'm not going to be doing any of those things. I'm going to be traveling the hardest road ever laid to a million dollars. I'll be writing. Here's what you need to know for context. I'm a writer of exactly enough note to justify making it my only job, which means I have all the time in the world to sit here writing ridiculous blog entries. Last year, between an article for Salon and a short story publication, I earned 453 dollars from writing. So this year I'm need to do that 2000 times and I'll get to my goal. Well, almost.

Here are the things on my slate whose sale will have to create my million. There's still a couple screenplays from last year that are out with producers, and all they have to do is convince a studio or two to jump on board and we'll be well on on way. I'm working on a novel. It's about 30 pages long, and all of those pages are terrible, but give it time. Selling a novel probably won't even get me into the six figure range, but I might be able to convince them to put a picture of my new abs on the book jacket.

Beyond those things I've only got two contingency plans. The first is to get a part time job. I'm considering my local bookstore, coffee house, or supermarket. The other is this site. My understanding is that I earn a fraction of a cent each time people click on the ads at the top, so if I get like a trillion clicks I get a dollar.

Looking at the above you may be inclined to believe that my only real hope is to get a slick new computer and start learning everything I can about counterfeiting and fraud. And you may be right. But I've picked my path and I'm sticking to it. Stay tuned.

Abs Update One

I've got a workout plan from Men's Health or some such magazine. It's supposed to be eight weeks, but looking down to the bottom I can see how I might run into problems by that time as I lack access to some of the equipment called for in the article. Still it's something to start with until I find an alternative. Scary pictures to follow.

Washboard Abs and One Million Dollars

This site is simply meant to follow my quest to spend the next year attaining both washboard abs and one million dollars. At any given moment I might argue that one will be harder than the other. The scope may seem kind of narrow, but when you consider the scale of these enterprises you see that they're as much about what I'm not doing as what I am doing. So in addition to monthly pictures of my creamy middle and updates on my million dollar tote board you can look forward to hearing about all the shiny things that distract me. Typical distractions include news from the worlds of science, technology, entertainment, and sports. Sounds like categories in trivial pursuit, and everyone loves that, yes? So let's begin. Just so there's no confusion, I currently have ZERO dollars and am sporting a ZERO pack. But that's all about to change.