Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Thanksgiving Is

Thanksgiving is the time of year when we gather together and take all the foods we normally wouldn't touch and bake them into pies or 'candy' them. These deceptive labeling practices allow us to rid the world of a sufficient number of yams and other such despicable items which would otherwise overwhelm and enslave us. It also teaches children to be skeptical: just because it says candied or pie doesn't mean it's not disgusting. These lessons pay dividends later when they receive email regarding very low mortgage rates or very large penises.

Thanksgiving is a time to see extended family members who ask about your clothes and career choices and then remember aloud when you were cute and full of potential. This is to commemorate the Pilgrims' first dinner with the Native Americans at which the Pilgrims relentlessly criticized the 'whorey' warpaint and revealing animal skins the natives wore and persistently suggested it still wasn't too late for them all to become lawyers. The Native American's later killed most of the Pilgrims, but this part of the tradition has sadly been lost to history.

Thanksgiving is a valuable holiday for teachers as it usually results in two and a half days off and justifies having had the children invest the previous three month of the school year creating turkeys from construction paper and the outline of their hand. The quality of the long labored over works of art inevitably leads family members to conclude that each of these children are special and will probably grow up to be doctors or lawyers, though statistics show that most of them will die of disease or end up driving American cars. That's not to say that a skilled construction paper artisan can't make a fortune, but most of those jobs go to Asians for obvious reasons.

Thanksgiving is always on a Thursday because the Pilgrims understood that all the other days of the week are haunted. Originally, the Pilgrims tried to work only on Thursdays but this proved inefficient, though a similar schedule has been adopted by the French and some writers specializing in pointless drivel. Once it was discovered that evil spirits could be kept at bay with a regimen of prayer, witch burnings, and westward expansion, the haunted nature of the other days became less of an issue. It should also be noted that demons fear cranberry sauce.

Thanksgiving is the only day of the year when it is a felony to give yourself a nickname. Technically it is also illegal on Arbor Day, but it's just a misdemeanor.

Thanksgiving is going to be abolished after the revolution though the killing of turkeys as well as the creation of their likeness in paper will remain vital to our national defense. You should be thankful for this holiday while we still have it. And for beavers, because they're also going bye bye.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Lies I Want To Clear Up Ahead Of Our Wedding

I'm not a vegetarian.

I've been painstakingly molding various meats into vegetable shapes and coating them with food coloring. This has required countless hours and caused me to lose my job, plus it makes it hard to go out (I have to pack my own pre-shaped meat). I like meat and I'd like to eat it in regular meat shapes.

I lost my job.

As noted above, my attendance at work had been spotty since we fell in love. Further, I had taken to selling items from my cube on ebay to finance some of the fancier outings that seemed crucial to the wooing process. There wasn't much in my cube though, so I sold some plants, paintings, and high end electronics from around the office. My former boss assures me that I'll never work in another law firm in this town again. I'm thinking about art.

I'm not a lawyer.

I was actually an assistant at the firm before I got fired. My understanding is that you have to have a clean criminal record to be a lawyer and those pyramid scheme convictions (I was convicted in several pyramid schemes if I didn't mention that [not mentioning is not the same as lying, so that's why I don't feel this deserves a correction all it's own]) would probably disqualify me. That and the fact that I can't read.

I can't read.

All those 'high brow' magazines you remarked on are just there to perpetuate the lie. I get them because they look incredibly boring and I'm confident no one else will read them and want to discuss them. It's really not nearly as much of a problem as it sounds like. I've memorized my way around most places, plus, in my art career words will probably not be that important.

I hate country music.

Yes, even the Dixie Chicks. If I could have read the tickets I would never have gone to that concert with you. But I did, and I've had nightmares about it ever since. I can't say when I'll stop waking up screaming, but at least now you know why. Also, I burned your CD collection last week which led to the big fire.

I started the big fire.

I was trying to make sure that our wedding was country music free and I guess I used a bit much lighter fluid. Once the curtains went it just got out of control. I probably should have just told you how much I hated that music, but at the time a fire seemed like an elegant solution. Also, as long as we keep quiet I think the insurance will pay for quite a honeymoon.

I feel so much better with all this off my chest. Can't wait til' tomorrow.


Dr. David Rockefeller IV esq.

dbnr (obviously)