Thursday, June 30, 2005

Students Feel 29 Is Very Old

A group of students were having coffee and exchanging stories about how they all came to be in a particular class. One of the students explained that he had changed majors and spent a brief period working for a software company. The others looked appeared perplexed and finally asked how old the student was. He said that he was 29.
The others students reacted with disbelief. Wow, one of them said, you don't look that old.
Maybe that's because 29 isn't that old, the student said.
No, it's way old, said one of them. It's almost thirty, and my dad's only like forty something.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Thieves Refuse To Keep Man's Car

A distraught man explained to a friend yesterday that his decade old car had been stolen. He said that he felt incredibly stupid in that he did not lock his doors or even roll up his windows under the assumption that the car was so old and battered that no one in their right mind would steal it. Further, on the night it disappeared there had been a lengthy rainstorm which would have soaked the inside of the vehicle. Still, when he woke the next day the man said that his car was gone and when he reported it to the police they informed him that several other cars on the block had been broken into or stolen from on the night in question.
His friend said that was terrible and asked if the man had insurance.
The man admitted he did not. He doubted that the car was worth even a couple hundred dollars and he rarely drove it. At that point he received a phone call, after which he informed his friend that the police had located the car in a towing yard. Apparently the thieves had driven in only a couple blocks before abandoning it in the middle of the street. The man said he assumed it had only taken them that long to realize that their getaway vehicle was a piece of junk with a soaked interior.
I guess being a piece of crap, the man said, is a form of security system all its own.

Friday, June 24, 2005

New Cat Ruining Woman's Sex Life

A woman in a coffee shop told her friend yesterday that the presence of her newly adopted cat 'Boots' was having a chilling effect on her sex life. She said the cat had a habit of walking right up next to the action and then sitting down to watch. Her boyfriend apparently found this very intimidating and had said that he cold not perform with the cat staring at him. The woman said that seeing as how she lived in a loft style apartment with no doors and few walls, it was difficult to keep the cat out, and efforts to 'shoo' it away were only momentarily effective. And since her boyfriend still lived with his parents, she said his place was usually not an option either. Thus her sex life had been reduced to trying to quietly fit in 'quickies' when she noticed that the cat was sleeping soundly in another room.
It's worse that sneaking around your parents, she said. At least if you wake your parents they won't come sit on the edge of the bed.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Man Suggests Threesome To Improve Wife's Chances Of Becoming Pregnant

A man in a bookstore yesterday suggested to his wife that perhaps they should consider a threesome in order to increase her chances of becoming pregnant. His wife laughed, but the man said that he was serious. He said that he'd recently read the details of a study which determined that men produced a greater number of healthy sperm when they believed that their sperm would have to compete with the sperm of other men in order to fertilize an egg. He said that since they'd previously discussed an interest in possibly bringing other people into their lovemaking and were now faced with fertility issues it seemed to him the perfect time to really think about making it a reality.
His wife said that she hardly thought the solution to fertility issues was getting someone else to impregnate her.
The man said that the other individual would wear a condom, his presence would just be to give the sense of competition and increase the man's sperm count in a natural way before they tried other, more clinical means.
The woman said that even so, the idea of involving another person in the very personal process of creating a life seemed somehow wrong to her.
The man said that at this point they were resigned to having help. It could either be some boring clinician in a white coat, or someone more exciting in the comfort of their own bedroom. "Planning a menage a trois certainly beats trying to get a doctor's appointment," he suggested.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Man Thrown Out Over Wife's Dream

A man in a coffee shop yesterday morning was pleading into his cell phone when the party on the other end apparently hung up. He then placed a call to a friend and asked if he might be able to come over for a few hours. He said that his wife had woken up frantic and in tears and immediately started yelling at him to get out of the house. When he tried to ascertain the source of her outburst and calm her down she became violent, hitting and slapping him. He told his friend that he'd initially tried to subdue her but she was out of control and, not wanting to hurt her, he'd decided it best just to get out of the house. Since then he said he'd learned that his wife was under the impression that he'd cheated on her with a woman from his office and nothing he'd been able to say or do thus far could convince her that it had merely been a dream. He said that he hoped a few hours alone might help her come to her senses.
He listened for a moment while his friend responded and then said, "No, she doesn't know about that. That would have me worried. This, this was just a dream."

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Woman Held Hostage By Neighbor's Yard

A woman in a coffee shop yesterday explained to the man behind the counter that her recent efforts to sell her house had all been torpedoed by the state of her neighbor's yard. She described it as wildly overgrown, part junkyard, and part landfill. She said that it attracted vermin and other unwanted forms of wildlife. The man who lived there was apparently elderly and though they'd never been close, he and the woman always got along. But he'd been angered by her recent suggestions that he clean up his property, and had refused to speak with her since she'd offered to hire people to do it for him. Since then she said he seemed to be actively trying to make the situation worse.
She said that very few people even stopped in to see her house once they saw what it was next to, and despite offering her home for nearly 20 thousand dollars less that what comparable properties were selling for, her real estate agent had told her that unless something could be done about the neighbor's yard, her place was unlikely to sell. She said she'd even called city officials only to discover that the man was more or less free to do as he pleased with his yard.
Who'd have thought you could hold someone hostage, she said, with nothing more than weeds and trash?

Monday, June 13, 2005

Man Tired Of Tolerance

An older gentlemen speaking to someone who might have been his teenage grandson, said that he was getting frustrated hearing the boy talk about tolerance as if it were a religion. He said that tolerance was just another way of saying that everyone gets to make up their own rules. He said that he was constantly being told that he should accept the abhorrent behavior of others rather than speak out against it, all in the name of tolerance. In fact, he said that in this age of tolerance it seemed the only thing that was not allowed was standing up for what was right.
The teenager said he wasn't really sure how anyone could make an argument against tolerance. Of all the things one would stand up for, he felt tolerance should be near the top.
The older gentlemen said that he was happy to listen respectfully to different points of view, but he certainly wasn't prepared to accept them as morally equal.
There is such thing is right and wrong, he said.
But who says which is which? asked the teen.
No one these days, said the older man, and that's the problem.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Young Men Prepare For Profits In Real Estate

A pair of young men were looking through some real estate books yesterday and discussing their plans. One man indicated that according to the book that he was reading they could expect between 50-300% return on their investment. All they had to do was buy some houses that needed a little work, paint them up, and then put them right back on the market. He said that the book explained how they could buy these houses without having any money of their own.
His friend said that his book discussed 'zero down' financing as well but talked about how by accepting payments directly from the buyers rather that taking a bulk sum from a bank, they could create a positive cash flow in six figures by the end of the year.
The first young man said that was good news because his regular job was really beginning to get to him. Knowing that he could walk away by the end of the year was a real relief, he said as he began to pack up.
His friend agreed and began to stuff his notes into his backpack. Then, as they placed the books back on the shelf, he wondered if they ought to buy at least one of them.
No way, the first man said, they're like twenty bucks each.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Couple Buys Gifts They Anticipate Will Be Returned

A man and woman were debating which gifts to buy off a wedding registry in a department store yesterday. The man read over the list and suggested that it seemed like a lot of useless garbage to him, exactly the sort of stuff their friends were never likely to use. The woman said that was how the registry worked, that more than picking things you really had to have, you tried to give a range of items at various price points so guests could pick something off the list that fit their budget. The man wondered how, if what she said was true, they were supposed to determine which things the couple really wanted and which they'd used to simply fill out their list. The woman said there was no way.
The man said that if that was the case the should just give them a gift card for the amount they were planning to spend and let them sort out what they really wanted themselves. Or better yet, just give them cash and let them spend it anywhere. The woman said the couldn't just give cash. The man asked why, if all they were doing was buying a bunch of crap that was just going to be returned anyway. What was the difference? Wouldn't just giving them the money up front be more practical?
It's a wedding, she said, it's not supposed to be practical.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Reunion Reveals Woman's Classmates Still A Bunch Of Jerks

A woman on a cell phone explained to the party on the other end that she'd recently returned from her ten year high school reunion only to discover that her classmates were the same bunch of jerks she always remembered them being. She blamed this largely on their lack of higher education and the fact that most of them had not moved away from their hometown. She also intimated that the prevalence of country music might have something to do with it. She lamented that though the money was no issue, she hated having wasted the time and effort to fly back for such a disappointment. Everyone there failed to mention how much better she looked now than before, and when she told them how often she got compliments on her slim figure or had guys give her their numbers, her classmates, many of whom had grown fat or bald or both, seemed not to believe her. No one said a word about the dress she was wearing and when she pointed out the designer, not one person recognized the name. When she asked several people how much money they made they'd been unwilling to discuss it, and when she mentioned that she made over 200k dollars a year as a patent attorney people became so jealous they walked away avoided her the rest of the night. She said she eventually grew so tired of trying to explain her success to people who's ambitions were limited to having big trucks and satellite TV that she'd told them she had a very important business meeting the next day and that she had to leave early.
They were too jealous or embarrassed to even ask for my email address, she said.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Injured Man Ruins Computer

A man on crutches due to a recently broken ankle had grown tired of relying on others to do everything for him. As a result he attempted to retrieve himself a drink refill at lunch. In trying to manage his crutches while holding the glass with his fingertips he lost his balance and fell. The glass and it's contents landed on the table and a large amount of soda fell on his open laptop computer. He tried to hurriedly clean it, but the computer stopped responding to commands shortly thereafter. The man briefly considered throwing himself through a plate glass window. He reconsidered. Whether this decision will be to his or anyone else's benefit is yet to be determined.
He did however manage to update his blog on time.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Cab Driver Details Relationship History

A cab driver utilized the trip from JFK to the financial district yesterday to offer a detailed history of his relationship. He and his wife had been together for more than ten years. They had their first child when they were both thirteen. A few years into their marriage his wife had an affair. He had a few retaliatory affairs. His wife then slept with a semi-famous R&B singer. When he confronted her about it she stabbed him. The driver attempted to show his wound, but found it difficult to drive at the same time and so gave up. The driver and his wife were still together. He said that he was still attracted to other women, but experience had taught him how that could 'complicate' things. He said that now he and his wife concentrated on keeping things 'spicy' in the bedroom to avoid the conflicts that plagued their early years. He said his wife appeared to be just a normal paralegal, but at home she was his 'little slut'.
He then asked his passenger how the passenger kept relationships 'spicy'.
The passenger did not reply.
The driver laughed. Ah, he smiled, I know how you are. Spicy.