Monday, October 30, 2006

Schoolyard Games I Was Led To Believe Everyone Played, But Apparently It Was Just Me

Capture The Flag - Kyle's Teeth Are The Flag Edition

Wear Your Mom's Shoes Once And Get Called Sissy Boy For Seven Years Four Square

Red Rover Punch Kyle In The Face

Pretend Not To Be Able To Be Able To Master Basic Math So That You Get Held Back In Ninth Grade Three Times Hopscotch

Hide And Seek - Parents Secretly Move To Another Town Edition

Plunger Head

Manual Labor In Teacher's Marijuana Greenhouse For A Passing Grade In Algebra And If You Tell Anyone I'll Kill You Marbles

Eat Dirt

No One Likes You Sissy Boy So Just Shut Up Duck Duck Goose

The Quiet Game - Duct Tape And Rope Edition


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Monday, October 23, 2006

Breaking Up With My Stalker


I'm afraid it's not working out.

A number of people suggested it was a bad idea to date my stalker in the first place. I saw a devoted individual with a love of slimming black outfits, good camera skills, and an affinity for late night walks in my shrubbery. Everyone else said that your dedication to investigating my garbage, watching me sleep, and collecting the hair from my hairbrush portended darker things. Darker I might be able to deal with, but if anything, I feel like we've fallen into a rut.

Let's be clear, I'm not trying to change you. I like how you call me late at night from the other room and breathe heavily while I vent about my day. While my girlfriends are suffering through Monday Night Football, I'm free to watch The Bachelor as you sit patiently pressed against the living room window. Honestly, I even like having my hairbrush cleaned on a daily basis.

But, other parts of our relationship seem tired. Getting notes on the bathroom mirror in lipstick was exciting when you wrote things like:

I'll get you!

But it's devolved into an expensive and frankly messy way to communicate things that would be better suited to a post it, like this morning's:

I'll get you:
At the store, anything else?

I thought the constant videotaping would give us lots of material for home movies, but it's really just a reminder how boring we are. Seeing hours of myself eating and sitting around makes me feel like I'm wasting my life. Am I really that dull?

Plus, it's been two years. I think you can stop dining under the table and in the closet. You're a stalker. I get it. But the constant peeking and leering is tired. Sometimes I don't want to be admired lustfully by a man in black, I just want you to pass the salt.

Maybe I'd be more inclined to overlook these things if I felt more certain that we had a future. But for someone who was devoted enough to pick through my trash when we met, you've been awfully slow to produce a ring. Despite all the bad things everyone said about you when we got together, none of them could argue when I said that at least you were committed. But I guess I jumped the gun. As soon as I stopped calling the police and invited you in it seems like some you lost a little bit of the fire. If you're going to follow me around, I need to know that it's long term. Apparently your obsession with me isn't enough to get us down the aisle.

Lastly, and I hesitate to bring this up, but I found some of Karen Underhill's garbage in the study. I'm not saying that you put it there, I don't know how it got there. But even though things aren't going to work out between us, I hope you'd have the decency not to stalk one of my friends. Karen and I go way back and I don't know how we could continue being friends if I knew that you'd suddenly become more interested in wearing her used coffee filters as hats instead of mine.

Don't call unless you plan to propose and swear off lipstick as a writing utensil.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

New 12 Week Workout Plan

Week One: Consider signing up with a gym. Decide gyms are an expensive waste of money. Try working out at home. Do 500 curls with dictionary and 8 push ups before deciding that equipment is insufficient. Reconsider signing up with a gym.

Week Two: Start gym membership. Feel confident that outrageous monthly fees will inspire diligence. Grab very heavy weights which look 'about right' for various exercises. Attempt unsuccessfully to lift those weights, then exchange them for much smaller weights while acting casual and hoping no one notices. Look at muscles in mirror at the end of each workout. Assure self you see progress.

Week Three: Attempt to shred T-shirt. Chalk failure up to a lack of supplements and powders. Blend all foods and drinks. Purchase several magazines promising to 'blast' or 'rip' certain muscle groups in very short periods of time. Justify purchase of Ipod as essential accessory for getting in the zone while working out. Purchase spandex pants.

Week Four: Wake up on Monday and realize that it is raining. Accept that rain makes going to the gym impossible for reasons you need not explore before hitting snooze. Join co-workers for non-blended chili and cheese laden lunch. Accept invitation to watch game at Hooters after work rather than hitting gym because what's the point of almost being able to tear a small seam in your T-shirt if you can't show it off. Eat wings, drink beer, wake up too tired to visit gym in the morning. Repeat.
Variations: Realize that 'too sunny' is also a weather condition which makes it impossible to visit gym.

Week Five through Eight: Rest.

Week Nine: Get credit card statement reminding you that you're giving half your paycheck to a gym rather than kid's college education. Feel guilty. Discover massive financial penalties involved in canceling gym membership. Make cursory trip to gym, decide to walk on treadmill for half hour. Calculate cost per minute, then per step. Look at muscles in mirror. Realize you've somehow gained weight.

Week Ten: Make trip to gym but decide that perhaps you'd be better off just having a soak in the hot tub. Remain in locker room for entire session. Think about just getting fat and having a hot tub put in at home.

Week Eleven: See news story about overweight Americans/heart attacks and/or Victoria's Secret commercial. Resolve to really get after it and whip self into shape. Starting next week.

Week Twelve: Drive to gym but sit in parking lot. Decide you don't need all this fancy machinery and skin tight clothing. Realize that farmers and impoverished Africans both seem to have really ripped abs and no access to fitness equipment. Decide that technology and gizmos are overrated and have destroyed your focus. Decide that what you really need is a bigger dictionary. Visit bookstore next to gym and buy gigantic dictionary. When cute check out girl makes comment about that being a 'lot of words', smile politely and awkwardly attempt to flex all muscles while handing her cash. Lug book home while deciding she was into you and that all this working out has really paid off.