Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Man Wishes Nature Had Provided Him With Opportunity To Steal Television

A young man waiting for a bus yesterday was telling a friend that he wished a hurricane or some other natural disaster would strike his town and allow him the opportunity to get his hands on certain goods he could not otherwise afford, such as a large television. His friend pointed out that while a free television would be cool, the disaster would probably cost them their homes which were more valuable than a television to begin with. The man reasoned that the loss of the home would be temporary, that someone would eventually help them rebuild it, but then they'd have a new television to go with it, so in the end it would be a net gain.
The friend said he'd probably focus more on getting stuff to eat and drink. The man said he'd also steal those items, but that again, people would want to give them those sorts of things eventually, so if they were going to realize any benefit from such a disaster they'd have to aim higher.
A 36 inch TV is as close as you're going to get to an apology, the man said, so you better grab it while you can.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Woman Uncomfortable Around Attractive Granddaughter

An older woman was explaining to a friend in a coffee shop yesterday that she no longer felt comfortable being out in public with her granddaughter because the young girl had grown so attractive as to elicit constant stares and attention from men. The woman said that she'd given up trying to encourage her granddaughter to dress more conservatively, and she admitted that compared to what some young people were wearing there was nothing particularly outrageous about her granddaughter's clothes. Yet, whenever they were out together the woman said that she was constantly disturbed by the way men leered at the young girl. She said that it was very hard to think of this child that she'd held in her arms since her first days as the object of such intense sexual desire. She said the girl had simply become too pretty to take out in public. Instead she said she's started having the girl over where she was teaching her to bake.
Maybe if I feed her enough cookies and cake, the woman said, we'll eventually be able to go to the movies again.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Man Hoping Extra Brushing Will Fix Cavities

A man was telling a group of friends last night that he did not have insurance and had not been to a dentist in almost eight years. He said that he occasionally got pain in various teeth, but when it struck he simply upped his brushing regimen to four or five times a day until it subsided. Thus far he said it seemed to be working.
Another member of the group said that he'd pursued a similar strategy when he'd been unable to visit the dentist for almost three years. After a lifetime without a single cavity he said that when he finally went back they'd discovered he had four.
The man said he was very afraid of a similar thing happening to him. Even if he got insurance he said he wasn't sure he'd visit the dentist.
I'd probably end up leaving with dentures, he said.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Well Informed Motel Clerk Calms Upset Breakfast Seeker

A man in the lobby of a Travelodge yesterday morning was very upset upon seeing the options available to him as part of the motel's free 'continental breakfast'. He angrily told the clerk that a box of powdered doughnuts and an urn of coffee did not count as a continental breakfast where he came from. He said that he really ought to call the Better Business Bureau and file a false advertising complaint.
The clerk then explained to him that in fact the offerings were almost the very definition of a continental breakfast which consisted of only a light pastry and coffee or tea. He said that the motel did have tea on hand and he'd be happy to make some if the man was interested.
The man said that in the places he usually stayed the continental breakfast always consisted of things like juice, eggs, bacon, cereal and the like.
The clerk explained that such offerings were the exact opposite of a continental breakfast and were commonly referred to as an 'English breakfast'. It was not the Travelodge who was lying in regards to the content of their breakfasts, but the other places where this man had stayed and received English breakfast under the continental heading.
At that point the upset man turned philosophical and told the clerk that this was all very interesting. He commented that really it was all backwards. A continent was huge, and therefore should signify something large, while England was a small island and should go with something tiny. The names themselves were misleading. In any case he said it was surprising to meet a motel clerk so well versed in such trivia and he asked where the clerk had picked it up.
The clerk said he'd looked it up on the web so he'd have something to defend himself with when people complained.
The doughnuts piss everyone off, he said.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Man's Father Becomes Obsessed With Weather

A man in a coffee shop yesterday was explaining that his father had become obsessed with the weather ever since the death of his wife. When his father called he usually began not by asking about the weather in the son's area, but by giving a detailed account of it, and then offering his own extended forecast. He would say things like, you know it's 87 degrees where you are right now? The man said that on visits to his father's place he'd discovered that his father watched The Weather Channel incessantly. He said that even if they were watching something together and he got up for a moment to get a drink, by the time he returned his father would be back on The Weather Channel. His father was apparently most obsessed with the Travel Forecast, and often ended their weekly phone conversations with advice like, if you're going to Chicago, watch out, it's supposed to rain - or, I wouldn't want to be in Boston this week, supposed to be hot. The man told his friend that this advice was particularly strange as he rarely, if ever, traveled.
The friend asked what the man thought it all meant.
The man said he didn't know, but he suspected it was probably his father's strange way of grieving over the loss of his wife, maybe a longing to be somewhere other than where he was. He said that the one time he'd asked his father about it, his father had acted as if he didn't know what he was talking about.
Then, the man said, he spent ten minutes telling me that drivers in North Carolina were likely to need chains.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Teen Wonders Why Infant Deaths Bother People So Much

A teenage boy conversing with friends in the mall yesterday wondered why people considered the death of babies to be such a tragedy. He said that in most cases they couldn't talk, and if they did they had very little to say. They'd only been around for a few years so he felt like it wasn't really possible to say that you got to know them all that well. And, worse come to worse, you could probably still have more. He said that he wanted to be clear, he still felt that dying babies were a tragic thing, just not an exceptionally tragic thing.
One of the other teens said that it probably had something to do with the special innocence of the very young and the fact that their lives were cut so short.
The boy said that, again, while it was sad, he didn't find babies to be particularly innocent, just ignorant of any standards of right or wrong. And as for having their lives cut particularly short, he felt that perhaps it was less tragic to cut short the life of someone too young to have fully developed hopes and ambitions.
Maybe it's better to go before you learn to want anything, he said, than after you've figured out you're probably not going to get it.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Man Confused By Online Date

A man having coffee and playing chess with a couple of friends last night was asked about his recent experience with online dating. He said that it had been very confusing. He'd spent a lot of time filling out his profile and had been very honest about his interests. He liked chess, books, video games, Lord of The Rings, and role playing games. And he was an engineer. In short, he said that he was a geek, and that in all honesty he was probably looking to meet a geek. He felt it would just save him a measure of rejection if all those things were on the table. And the girl who had responded had shown an enthusiasm for all those things, so he'd been excited.
His friend asked what was so confusing.
The man said that during the evening he'd somehow been turned off by discussion of their mutual love of Lord of the Rings. While he'd always considered finding a woman who shared his interests to be a sort of holy grail, in person he didn't find it that attractive. It just made her seem weird. He now felt that rather than looking for someone just like him, he probably wanted just the opposite.
His friend asked what 'the opposite' meant.
Cool, friendly, attractive, he said, you know, like a cheerleader.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Woman Feels Dinosaur Bones Are Work Of Comedian God

A woman speaking with friends yesterday said that she believed in the literal 6 day creation story told in the bible. As such she felt that the Earth was roughly 6500 years old rather than the 4.5 billion years accepted by most scientists. Her friends clearly found this somewhat stunning and began to pepper her with questions regarding evidence that seemed to show that number was impossible. Her response was that God had simply created things 6500 years ago in a way that APPEARED to us humans to be much much older. The evidence was simply misleading.
Someone asked if this meant that the dinosaurs had never really existed.
She said that the dinosaurs were simply bones and fossils planted by God, but that they'd not really experienced a time of dominance over some ancient version of the Earth.
Someone asked why God would go to that trouble just to fool his children.
God, she said, has a good sense of humor.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Boyfriend Considers Braces As Birthday Present

A man in a restaurant yesterday explained that his girlfriend's birthday was coming up and said that he had been considering giving her braces as a gift. He said that he really liked straight teeth and while hers were by no means terrible, they could certainly stand a little straightening. And he felt that because she was an actress, it might be really helpful for her overall.
His friend said that this sounded like potentially the worst idea for a birthday present he'd ever heard. He wondered why the guy didn't just get her liposuction or sign her up for some exercise classes. The man said it wasn't like that. He thought she had an attractive smile, he just thought it could be better. His friend warned him that any gift of that sort would make the girl incredibly self conscious and leave her unable to stop thinking about how much he must hate her teeth. He said that if it didn't ruin their relationship, it would at least ruin her birthday.
The man said he must not be explaining it right. It was supposed to sound thoughtful and generous.
The friend said that if the man was intent on going ahead with it, the least he could do was get the exchange on tape.
That way, he said, when you ask me why she's gone I'll always have something to show you.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Man Feels Lobotomized By Loss Of Cell Phone

A man in a coffee shop last night was telling his friend about a recent business trip on which he'd apparently lost his cell phone in a cab on the way to the airport. At first he hadn't felt all that worried about it, but he said that then the ramifications started to hit him like waves. He realized that he no longer had a way to coordinate pickup with his ride on the other end of the flight. When he decided that he could simply call ahead and tell his ride he'd be waiting at a certain spot at a certain time, he realized that he didn't actually know the person's phone number. In fact, he didn't know anyone's phone number. They were all just names in his directory. He said that he went in and sat down at a pay phone and realized that the only numbers he had committed to memory were his home number, where his wife was away, and the numbers of friends and family he'd learned long ago. Further, because most of his friends and people who might be useful in this situation also used cell phones exclusively, none of them had listed numbers, making directory assistance useless. He said that despite being an educated and successful man of almost 50, he'd ended up making a collect call to his mother for help.
What did your mom say about that, asked the friend.
She said it was odd that when I had my phone I never called, but the minute I lost it she heard from me.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Woman Will Only Allow Husband To Ignore Her For One More Month

A woman speaking to a group of friends last night said that she'd given her husband a deadline and would only allow him to ignore her through the end of August. She said that if he'd not agreed to work on the issues in their marriage by that point she would finally throw him out.
One of her friends asked what she meant when she said that he ignored her and she replied that essentially he rarely spoke to her or acknowledged her existence in any way. She said this had been going on for almost a year.
Another friend asked if she thought that the underlying issues were something that could really be fixed in therapy.
The woman said she hoped so.
And you really think things will go back the way they were when you were first married, asked one of the listeners.
Well, probably not that good, the woman said, but hopefully they'll at least get good enough to have kids.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Woman Unable To Watch Boyfriend Eat

A woman in a coffee shop yesterday was responding to questions about the state of her relationship with her boyfriend. She said that things were going wonderfully and that they had even discussed the prospect of getting engaged. Her friends were overjoyed. The woman said that there was one small problem - she could not watch her boyfriend eat. She said that she couldn't put her finger on what it was exactly, but that the process somehow disgusted her. It might have been that he took bites that were too large, or had a habit or getting mayonnaise or lettuce stuck on his lip, or something about how he used his tongue in the process of chewing. Whatever it was, it made her ill. On several occasions she's been unable to continue a meal, feeling overcome by nausea at the site of him chowing down. Recently when they went out, she'd begun to insist that they get booths and both sit on the same side. He thought this was because she wanted to be close, but in reality it was so she could eat without having to watch him do so.
Her friends asked if she'd mentioned the problem to him. She said she'd tried to in subtle ways, but to no avail. She said he was incredibly sweet and kind and that she did in fact love him. She just wasn't sure she could picture spending the rest of her life shielding herself from the site of him shoveling food in his mouth.
You know how at weddings the bride and groom shove cake in each other's face and it gets everywhere, she asked. How long do you think they'd last if the groom ate like that everyday?