Students Feel 29 Is Very Old

A group of students were having coffee and exchanging stories about how they all came to be in a particular class. One of the students explained that he had changed majors and spent a brief period working for a software company. The others looked appeared perplexed and finally asked how old the student was. He said that he was 29.
The others students reacted with disbelief. Wow, one of them said, you don't look that old.
Maybe that's because 29 isn't that old, the student said.
No, it's way old, said one of them. It's almost thirty, and my dad's only like forty something.

Thieves Refuse To Keep Man's Car

A distraught man explained to a friend yesterday that his decade old car had been stolen. He said that he felt incredibly stupid in that he did not lock his doors or even roll up his windows under the assumption that the car was so old and battered that no one in their right mind would steal it. Further, on the night it disappeared there had been a lengthy rainstorm which would have soaked the inside of the vehicle. Still, when he woke the next day the man said that his car was gone and when he reported it to the police they informed him that several other cars on the block had been broken into or stolen from on the night in question.
His friend said that was terrible and asked if the man had insurance.
The man admitted he did not. He doubted that the car was worth even a couple hundred dollars and he rarely drove it. At that point he received a phone call, after which he informed his friend that the police had located the car in a towing yard. Apparently the thieves had driven in only a couple blocks before abandoning it in the middle of the street. The man said he assumed it had only taken them that long to realize that their getaway vehicle was a piece of junk with a soaked interior.
I guess being a piece of crap, the man said, is a form of security system all its own.

New Cat Ruining Woman's Sex Life

A woman in a coffee shop told her friend yesterday that the presence of her newly adopted cat 'Boots' was having a chilling effect on her sex life. She said the cat had a habit of walking right up next to the action and then sitting down to watch. Her boyfriend apparently found this very intimidating and had said that he cold not perform with the cat staring at him. The woman said that seeing as how she lived in a loft style apartment with no doors and few walls, it was difficult to keep the cat out, and efforts to 'shoo' it away were only momentarily effective. And since her boyfriend still lived with his parents, she said his place was usually not an option either. Thus her sex life had been reduced to trying to quietly fit in 'quickies' when she noticed that the cat was sleeping soundly in another room.
It's worse that sneaking around your parents, she said. At least if you wake your parents they won't come sit on the edge of the bed.

Man Suggests Threesome To Improve Wife's Chances Of Becoming Pregnant

A man in a bookstore yesterday suggested to his wife that perhaps they should consider a threesome in order to increase her chances of becoming pregnant. His wife laughed, but the man said that he was serious. He said that he'd recently read the details of a study which determined that men produced a greater number of healthy sperm when they believed that their sperm would have to compete with the sperm of other men in order to fertilize an egg. He said that since they'd previously discussed an interest in possibly bringing other people into their lovemaking and were now faced with fertility issues it seemed to him the perfect time to really think about making it a reality.
His wife said that she hardly thought the solution to fertility issues was getting someone else to impregnate her.
The man said that the other individual would wear a condom, his presence would just be to give the sense of competition and increase the man's sperm count in a natural way before they tried other, more clinical means.
The woman said that even so, the idea of involving another person in the very personal process of creating a life seemed somehow wrong to her.
The man said that at this point they were resigned to having help. It could either be some boring clinician in a white coat, or someone more exciting in the comfort of their own bedroom. "Planning a menage a trois certainly beats trying to get a doctor's appointment," he suggested.

Man Thrown Out Over Wife's Dream

A man in a coffee shop yesterday morning was pleading into his cell phone when the party on the other end apparently hung up. He then placed a call to a friend and asked if he might be able to come over for a few hours. He said that his wife had woken up frantic and in tears and immediately started yelling at him to get out of the house. When he tried to ascertain the source of her outburst and calm her down she became violent, hitting and slapping him. He told his friend that he'd initially tried to subdue her but she was out of control and, not wanting to hurt her, he'd decided it best just to get out of the house. Since then he said he'd learned that his wife was under the impression that he'd cheated on her with a woman from his office and nothing he'd been able to say or do thus far could convince her that it had merely been a dream. He said that he hoped a few hours alone might help her come to her senses.
He listened for a moment while his friend responded and then said, "No, she doesn't know about that. That would have me worried. This, this was just a dream."

Woman Held Hostage By Neighbor's Yard

A woman in a coffee shop yesterday explained to the man behind the counter that her recent efforts to sell her house had all been torpedoed by the state of her neighbor's yard. She described it as wildly overgrown, part junkyard, and part landfill. She said that it attracted vermin and other unwanted forms of wildlife. The man who lived there was apparently elderly and though they'd never been close, he and the woman always got along. But he'd been angered by her recent suggestions that he clean up his property, and had refused to speak with her since she'd offered to hire people to do it for him. Since then she said he seemed to be actively trying to make the situation worse.
She said that very few people even stopped in to see her house once they saw what it was next to, and despite offering her home for nearly 20 thousand dollars less that what comparable properties were selling for, her real estate agent had told her that unless something could be done about the neighbor's yard, her place was unlikely to sell. She said she'd even called city officials only to discover that the man was more or less free to do as he pleased with his yard.
Who'd have thought you could hold someone hostage, she said, with nothing more than weeds and trash?

Man Tired Of Tolerance

An older gentlemen speaking to someone who might have been his teenage grandson, said that he was getting frustrated hearing the boy talk about tolerance as if it were a religion. He said that tolerance was just another way of saying that everyone gets to make up their own rules. He said that he was constantly being told that he should accept the abhorrent behavior of others rather than speak out against it, all in the name of tolerance. In fact, he said that in this age of tolerance it seemed the only thing that was not allowed was standing up for what was right.
The teenager said he wasn't really sure how anyone could make an argument against tolerance. Of all the things one would stand up for, he felt tolerance should be near the top.
The older gentlemen said that he was happy to listen respectfully to different points of view, but he certainly wasn't prepared to accept them as morally equal.
There is such thing is right and wrong, he said.
But who says which is which? asked the teen.
No one these days, said the older man, and that's the problem.

Young Men Prepare For Profits In Real Estate

A pair of young men were looking through some real estate books yesterday and discussing their plans. One man indicated that according to the book that he was reading they could expect between 50-300% return on their investment. All they had to do was buy some houses that needed a little work, paint them up, and then put them right back on the market. He said that the book explained how they could buy these houses without having any money of their own.
His friend said that his book discussed 'zero down' financing as well but talked about how by accepting payments directly from the buyers rather that taking a bulk sum from a bank, they could create a positive cash flow in six figures by the end of the year.
The first young man said that was good news because his regular job was really beginning to get to him. Knowing that he could walk away by the end of the year was a real relief, he said as he began to pack up.
His friend agreed and began to stuff his notes into his backpack. Then, as they placed the books back on the shelf, he wondered if they ought to buy at least one of them.
No way, the first man said, they're like twenty bucks each.

Couple Buys Gifts They Anticipate Will Be Returned

A man and woman were debating which gifts to buy off a wedding registry in a department store yesterday. The man read over the list and suggested that it seemed like a lot of useless garbage to him, exactly the sort of stuff their friends were never likely to use. The woman said that was how the registry worked, that more than picking things you really had to have, you tried to give a range of items at various price points so guests could pick something off the list that fit their budget. The man wondered how, if what she said was true, they were supposed to determine which things the couple really wanted and which they'd used to simply fill out their list. The woman said there was no way.
The man said that if that was the case the should just give them a gift card for the amount they were planning to spend and let them sort out what they really wanted themselves. Or better yet, just give them cash and let them spend it anywhere. The woman said the couldn't just give cash. The man asked why, if all they were doing was buying a bunch of crap that was just going to be returned anyway. What was the difference? Wouldn't just giving them the money up front be more practical?
It's a wedding, she said, it's not supposed to be practical.

Reunion Reveals Woman's Classmates Still A Bunch Of Jerks

A woman on a cell phone explained to the party on the other end that she'd recently returned from her ten year high school reunion only to discover that her classmates were the same bunch of jerks she always remembered them being. She blamed this largely on their lack of higher education and the fact that most of them had not moved away from their hometown. She also intimated that the prevalence of country music might have something to do with it. She lamented that though the money was no issue, she hated having wasted the time and effort to fly back for such a disappointment. Everyone there failed to mention how much better she looked now than before, and when she told them how often she got compliments on her slim figure or had guys give her their numbers, her classmates, many of whom had grown fat or bald or both, seemed not to believe her. No one said a word about the dress she was wearing and when she pointed out the designer, not one person recognized the name. When she asked several people how much money they made they'd been unwilling to discuss it, and when she mentioned that she made over 200k dollars a year as a patent attorney people became so jealous they walked away avoided her the rest of the night. She said she eventually grew so tired of trying to explain her success to people who's ambitions were limited to having big trucks and satellite TV that she'd told them she had a very important business meeting the next day and that she had to leave early.
They were too jealous or embarrassed to even ask for my email address, she said.

Injured Man Ruins Computer

A man on crutches due to a recently broken ankle had grown tired of relying on others to do everything for him. As a result he attempted to retrieve himself a drink refill at lunch. In trying to manage his crutches while holding the glass with his fingertips he lost his balance and fell. The glass and it's contents landed on the table and a large amount of soda fell on his open laptop computer. He tried to hurriedly clean it, but the computer stopped responding to commands shortly thereafter. The man briefly considered throwing himself through a plate glass window. He reconsidered. Whether this decision will be to his or anyone else's benefit is yet to be determined.
He did however manage to update his blog on time.

Cab Driver Details Relationship History

A cab driver utilized the trip from JFK to the financial district yesterday to offer a detailed history of his relationship. He and his wife had been together for more than ten years. They had their first child when they were both thirteen. A few years into their marriage his wife had an affair. He had a few retaliatory affairs. His wife then slept with a semi-famous R&B singer. When he confronted her about it she stabbed him. The driver attempted to show his wound, but found it difficult to drive at the same time and so gave up. The driver and his wife were still together. He said that he was still attracted to other women, but experience had taught him how that could 'complicate' things. He said that now he and his wife concentrated on keeping things 'spicy' in the bedroom to avoid the conflicts that plagued their early years. He said his wife appeared to be just a normal paralegal, but at home she was his 'little slut'.
He then asked his passenger how the passenger kept relationships 'spicy'.
The passenger did not reply.
The driver laughed. Ah, he smiled, I know how you are. Spicy.

Man Feels Touching Penis No Less Sanitary Than Touching Breasts

A man returned from a resteraunt restroom and informed his dinner mates that in this particular establishment the sinks were outside the actual restroom and in plain view, meaning that it one chose not to wash one's hands, everyone would see.
A female dining companion asked, don't you always wash your hands after using the restroom?
The man asked if she always washed her hands after touching her breasts. When she said no he asserted that it was essentially the same thing.
Another female companion pointed out that urine did not come out of her breasts as it did the man's penis. She said that there were surely leakage and dribbling issues that made the penis much less sanitary.
The man assured her that, when handled properly, uniration was a very clean process. It's designed to go away from you, not at you, he said.
So if the chef urinated without washing his hands then returned to cooking that would be okay with you? she wondered.
If he's as good as me, he can urinate while he's cooking and it won't make a difference, he said. I don't know what you women do, but most men have learned not to pee on themselves.

Girl Feels Birds and Bees Talk With Mother Too Detailed

A girl explained to her friend in a coffee shop last night that her mother had sat her down for a 'sex talk'. She said that she had no idea what had inspired this conversation as she had been sexually active for more than a year and her mother had never seemed terribly concerned. She explained that she had attempted to inform her mother that that talk wasn't necessary, that she'd picked up all of the important information through school or experience. But she said her mother would not be deterred.
The friend said she could sympathize, that her father had sat her down for a similar chat recently.
The girl said she highly doubted that. She said that the talk had gone well beyond the normal uncomfortable basics and had covered territory the girl was now afraid she'd never be able to block from her memory.
Like what? her friend asked.
She told me to swallow, the girl replied, or politely spit into a towel.
Well, if that doesn't put you off sex, her friend replied, nothing will.

Man Plans Vacation Around Politics

A man who stated that he was from South Carolina peppered his neighbor with questions upon learning that she was from Tucson, AZ. He said that his wife had been pressing him to vacation in Arizona, and in addition to the Grand Canyon and Phoenix, she'd suggested that they spend a couple days in Tucson. He asked his neighbor if she thought there was enough to do in Tucson to justify such a stay.
The neighbor, a young woman, likely a student, said that there was certainly a number of beautiful places to visit in and around the city and she highly recommended a visit.
The man then asked after the politics of the city. He said he was pretty set in his ways and did not enjoy visiting places full of 'wackos'. For instance, he offered, he'd never visit San Francisco.
The young woman said that she didn't really feel it was a terribly political town, but suggested that because of the University it might be somewhat liberal.
Well, what kind of liberal are we talking about?, the man asked. Liberal like democrats, or liberal like gays?
The girl smiled.
Couldn't say. I supposed you'll have to visit to sort it out.

Man's Father Succumbs To Utilitarianism

A man visiting his father for the first time since the unexpected death of his mother said he was frightened by the state of affairs in the house. He said that though his father sounded upbeat, and generally well on the phone, the house told a different story. Most of the toilets had been turned off to prevent 'water waste'. The refrigerator was largely empty. The cable service had lapsed. He said his father ate off the same plate on a daily basis, simply rinsing it and setting it beside the sink after each use. Most of the oft used rooms, the living and dining areas, were cloaked in a thin layer of dust and did not appear to have been used. He said that most frightening was the back porch where he'd come for many weekend barbecues and where he remembered all the life and activity in the house coming from. Finding it in a quite sorry state, he asked his father if he'd even been out there in recent months.
He said his father had replied, "I guess not. Why? What's out there?"

Man Abandons Wristband Over Armstrong's Atheism

A young man was looking through a book about cycling champion Lance Armstrong last night and called his friend over to see something he said he could not believe. Both were wearing yellow wristbands supporting the Armstrong Foundation and cancer research. The young man said that he had just read that apparently Armstrong was an atheist. His friend said, no way. The young man then referred him to the relevant pages. When the friend finished reading he looked at the young man and said, that's terrible.
The young man then ripped off his wristband and threw it toward the garbage (he missed). He explained that now that he knew that Armstrong was an atheist he no longer wanted to be identified with him.
His friend said that the wristband didn't really have anything to do with Armstrong's religion, but was about cancer or something.
Showing my support for Christ, the young man said, is more important that showing my support for cancer.

Athlete Hopes To Combat Infertility By Crushing Lesser Opponents

A man who appeared to be a former athlete told his friend that in response to news from his doctor that his sperm count was the source of his fertility troubles, he had joined a novice basketball league. His friend asked how one could possibly have anything to do with the other. The athlete explained that studies had shown that the testosterone levels of victors in any sort of competition or conflict were raised while the levels of the losers fell. He said that since he'd played basketball in college he excepted that he wouldn't have too much trouble leading his teams to some easy victories, thus hopefully raising his testosterone levels and eventually his sperm count.
His friend said that this sounded like a pretty far fetched plan for the athlete's doctor to suggest.
The man said that joining the league had been his idea.
My doctor, he said, wants me to wear shorts that I store in the freezer. Still think basketball sounds far fetched?

Father Fears Child Becoming Too Religious

A father shopping for a book on Christian Inspiration for his daughter stated that he worried the girl might be becoming too religious. He said that though he was not particularly religious he'd initially seen her attending church as a positive thing and source of good friends and influences. However, he said that now that the church had come to dominate her social calendar and strongly influence how she expressed herself, for instance she often referenced the Bible and spoke of Christ's love, he'd become concerned. He felt that perhaps she was isolating herself and missing opportunities that she'd never have back. Further, he questioned whether having the church define her political and occasionally scientific views at such a young age was good for her.
The mother asked what he would prefer their daughter do? Stop attending church and start drinking and partying? She said that they should count themselves lucky to be buying a book on religion rather than a book on pregnancy.
You're probably right, he said. I guess I'm just having trouble adjusting to the fact that my daughter things I'm going to hell.

Man Feels Using English Accent Gets Him Better Service

A man who was apparently on a first or second date with a young woman greeted his waiter and ordered drinks with a noticable, but not overly think, English accent. When the waiter departed the young woman asked him what he was doing. The man said that after living with an English roomate for years and watching the way his roomate was treated when they went out, he'd begun using an English himself because the result was almost always better service. He said that in addition to being novel and grabbing attention, the accent seemed to earn him an instant level of respect.
The girl said that she'd struggled with exactly the opposite probelm when she'd left the South and gone to college. She said that in order to have her views taken seriously she'd felt it necessary to downplay her Southern accent. Eventually, she said, she'd learned to drop it all together and she admitted that now when she ventured home should couldn't help feeling that some of her friends sounded kind of dumb.
The man said he wondered why that was? Why did European accents garner respect while Southern ones seemed to do just the opposite?
A Hispanic busyboy working at the table next to them looked over and said, "I don't know but, the further south you come from, the worse it gets."