Monday, October 31, 2005

Best News For Park City, Utah, EVER!

Residents of Park City, Utah:

Incredible news! A once in a lifetime opportunity! I'm willing to be your neighbor!

As you may well know there are currently a number of fine American and international cities competing to play host to me and my entourage for the next few years, and I'm proud to announce that you're on the short list! And just between you, me, and the lamp post, I'm pulling for you.

Obviously at this point you're probably wondering what you can do to secure this incredible 'get' for yourself and your town. How can you, the average millionaire citizen of Park City, help your town compete with the tempting offers from places like Waco, TX, Pittsburgh, PA, and Little Rock, AR? Simple - buy my house!

That's right. Not only am I willing to live among you, I'm willing to let you, the community, be partial or total participants in owning my home. I've picked out a nice one, Frank Lloyd Wright inspired, 35 acres, 7.5 bedrooms (what exactly is a half bedroom?), 8 baths, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you about the views. It's on the market for about 8 million, and I'm willing to accept community participation to cover the present 7.8 million dollar shortfall.

Suggestions for raising this sum include but are not limited to: fundraising dinners (I'm willing to appear if someone wants to cover my airfare), sale of autographed memorabilia (my signature or yours, whichever you think is worth more), and the organization of some sort of pseudo-religious tax exempt entity in my honor (that's how they dragged L. Ron Hubbard out to LA). Bear in mind these are just suggestions and certainly are not intended to stifle your creativity.

I know that after the Olympics and Sundance you thought it was over for your little town, but here's the moment to transcend those minor 'happenings' and finally put your city on the map. So stop daydreaming about coming over to see me for a cup of sugar (actually the estate is gated and I'm sure there will be dogs, but leave your request with security and someone will be in touch) and make it happen. For you, your family, and your future.

Best of luck Park City.

Mr. Kyle

p.s. If you're a Tucson resident looking to hasten my departure contact Jill at the Run Him Out On A Rail campaign. Every dollar brings us one step closer to putting all this ugliness behind us.


Wyrfu said...

One can only hope that Park City will see reason...

A said...

As the girlfriend of Mr. Kyle, I'd like to say that I'm fully on board with his living-in-a-mansion-in-Park-City idea. In fact, if he needs to take multiple wives to help finance this little venture - so be it. As long as I have my own room with a view!

Unknown said...

p.s. Women wishing to apply for positions as 'multiple wife' should leave photos, measurments, and net worth statements in comments.