Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Notice of Breech of Contract Suit Filed By Person You Were On Night Of August 19th

Dear sir,

This is notice of a breech of contract lawsuit being filed against You by my client, The Person You Were On The Night of August 19th. As you may recall, after a lengthy internal discussion you and my client negotiated a set of acceptable goals and circumstances to be collectively pursued in the coming months, and, to insure their implementation, wrote down and signed the document containing the agreed to terms, what will from now on be referred to as 'the contract'.
The details need not detain us here, my client has contacted you numerous times in recent weeks regarding your failure to live up to the central clauses, i.e. the gym, the garden, the novel. He's been more than considerate in allowing you to shuffle and move deadlines. But your actions of the last week have dissolved all trust and made clear your complete lack of intention to meet the agreed to terms.
Putting aside the lawyer talk for a second, let me just say on a personal level that I'm not sure what gave you the idea that purchasing a 'minivan' rather than the agreed to 'red convertible' was remotely acceptable, but it's a mistake you will pay for dearly. As he expressed in no uncertain terms during your discussion, The Person You Were On The Night of August 19th was afraid of getting older and desperately seeking items and actions to assure his youth and vigor. Since you've attained this mammoth affront to vehicular taste my client has been subject to stares and comments that may have irrevocably damaged his psyche and youthful reserves. A coworker asked him if he drove that car to 'bingo' for christ's sake! You think a jury won't be sympathetic when they hear that?
So my client has given up hope that's you'll ever right this ship, and rightly so I might add. We've no other recourse but to seek damages, both compensatory and punitive, for your wanton disregard of the contracted terms. You may think you've moved on, but The Person You Were On The Night Of August 19th is not prepared to go quietly into past like so many of the other People You Were with whom you've made and broken agreements. You've crossed the wrong You this time.

See you in court,

Your Lawyer

p.s. you show up in that damn minivan and I'll shoot you myself

7 comments:

Mad said...

Lovely, very funny and even a little thought provoking.

Gone Away said...

Interesting. Being a great procrastinator, I have often thought how cruel the I who lives in the present is to the I who lives in the future. I happily put off things until "tomorrow", ignoring the fact that it is the I of the future who will have to get the thing done. It strikes me that the I of the future has much to complain of to the I of the past. Your take on it, that it is the I of the present who has cause for complaint is an interesting turnabout for me...

Mikey McHappy said...

Well, when I read this the other day I confused the plaintiff to be the "person you were on"... night of august 19th. Which, though partially funny considering my images of the breeches regarding gym, garden and novel were much differently construed, made very little sense to me.

But now that Gone Away's comment has made me reread and better understand the context... very clever indeed.

crickl said...

Ok, you really made me have to focus this time. I have never been good at reading comprehension and after reading this 3 times, I thought this was hilarious! It's not you though, it's me....(I got butterflies in fourth grade when we got to reading comprehension time and I am psyched out for life when coming upon something I have to really concentrate on....

So what color is the minivan? Is it a chrysler or one of those cool hondas? We resolved to a chrysler 5 years ago. Thankfully I have a great imagination and I can cruise along feeling very cool, imagining I'm driving my old VW van....(no matter how middle aged I look riding around in a minivan. )

mr. kyle said...

The minivan was blue, and no, it was not a cool honda. It was a rolling picture frame with a caption that read 'old'.

mrslinkous said...

I don't understand the other comments. "The person you were" is the plantiff. They are suing the person you are now in the present for not doing the things you promised. Right? You should settle out of court as it is not to late to make restitution.

mr. kyle said...

I think you've got a handle on the situation. Sadly, the parties are no longer speaking, and any hope for a peaceful solution is fading.