Man Feels Touching Penis No Less Sanitary Than Touching Breasts

A man returned from a resteraunt restroom and informed his dinner mates that in this particular establishment the sinks were outside the actual restroom and in plain view, meaning that it one chose not to wash one's hands, everyone would see.
A female dining companion asked, don't you always wash your hands after using the restroom?
The man asked if she always washed her hands after touching her breasts. When she said no he asserted that it was essentially the same thing.
Another female companion pointed out that urine did not come out of her breasts as it did the man's penis. She said that there were surely leakage and dribbling issues that made the penis much less sanitary.
The man assured her that, when handled properly, uniration was a very clean process. It's designed to go away from you, not at you, he said.
So if the chef urinated without washing his hands then returned to cooking that would be okay with you? she wondered.
If he's as good as me, he can urinate while he's cooking and it won't make a difference, he said. I don't know what you women do, but most men have learned not to pee on themselves.

Girl Feels Birds and Bees Talk With Mother Too Detailed

A girl explained to her friend in a coffee shop last night that her mother had sat her down for a 'sex talk'. She said that she had no idea what had inspired this conversation as she had been sexually active for more than a year and her mother had never seemed terribly concerned. She explained that she had attempted to inform her mother that that talk wasn't necessary, that she'd picked up all of the important information through school or experience. But she said her mother would not be deterred.
The friend said she could sympathize, that her father had sat her down for a similar chat recently.
The girl said she highly doubted that. She said that the talk had gone well beyond the normal uncomfortable basics and had covered territory the girl was now afraid she'd never be able to block from her memory.
Like what? her friend asked.
She told me to swallow, the girl replied, or politely spit into a towel.
Well, if that doesn't put you off sex, her friend replied, nothing will.

Man Plans Vacation Around Politics

A man who stated that he was from South Carolina peppered his neighbor with questions upon learning that she was from Tucson, AZ. He said that his wife had been pressing him to vacation in Arizona, and in addition to the Grand Canyon and Phoenix, she'd suggested that they spend a couple days in Tucson. He asked his neighbor if she thought there was enough to do in Tucson to justify such a stay.
The neighbor, a young woman, likely a student, said that there was certainly a number of beautiful places to visit in and around the city and she highly recommended a visit.
The man then asked after the politics of the city. He said he was pretty set in his ways and did not enjoy visiting places full of 'wackos'. For instance, he offered, he'd never visit San Francisco.
The young woman said that she didn't really feel it was a terribly political town, but suggested that because of the University it might be somewhat liberal.
Well, what kind of liberal are we talking about?, the man asked. Liberal like democrats, or liberal like gays?
The girl smiled.
Couldn't say. I supposed you'll have to visit to sort it out.

Man's Father Succumbs To Utilitarianism

A man visiting his father for the first time since the unexpected death of his mother said he was frightened by the state of affairs in the house. He said that though his father sounded upbeat, and generally well on the phone, the house told a different story. Most of the toilets had been turned off to prevent 'water waste'. The refrigerator was largely empty. The cable service had lapsed. He said his father ate off the same plate on a daily basis, simply rinsing it and setting it beside the sink after each use. Most of the oft used rooms, the living and dining areas, were cloaked in a thin layer of dust and did not appear to have been used. He said that most frightening was the back porch where he'd come for many weekend barbecues and where he remembered all the life and activity in the house coming from. Finding it in a quite sorry state, he asked his father if he'd even been out there in recent months.
He said his father had replied, "I guess not. Why? What's out there?"

Man Abandons Wristband Over Armstrong's Atheism

A young man was looking through a book about cycling champion Lance Armstrong last night and called his friend over to see something he said he could not believe. Both were wearing yellow wristbands supporting the Armstrong Foundation and cancer research. The young man said that he had just read that apparently Armstrong was an atheist. His friend said, no way. The young man then referred him to the relevant pages. When the friend finished reading he looked at the young man and said, that's terrible.
The young man then ripped off his wristband and threw it toward the garbage (he missed). He explained that now that he knew that Armstrong was an atheist he no longer wanted to be identified with him.
His friend said that the wristband didn't really have anything to do with Armstrong's religion, but was about cancer or something.
Showing my support for Christ, the young man said, is more important that showing my support for cancer.

Athlete Hopes To Combat Infertility By Crushing Lesser Opponents

A man who appeared to be a former athlete told his friend that in response to news from his doctor that his sperm count was the source of his fertility troubles, he had joined a novice basketball league. His friend asked how one could possibly have anything to do with the other. The athlete explained that studies had shown that the testosterone levels of victors in any sort of competition or conflict were raised while the levels of the losers fell. He said that since he'd played basketball in college he excepted that he wouldn't have too much trouble leading his teams to some easy victories, thus hopefully raising his testosterone levels and eventually his sperm count.
His friend said that this sounded like a pretty far fetched plan for the athlete's doctor to suggest.
The man said that joining the league had been his idea.
My doctor, he said, wants me to wear shorts that I store in the freezer. Still think basketball sounds far fetched?

Father Fears Child Becoming Too Religious

A father shopping for a book on Christian Inspiration for his daughter stated that he worried the girl might be becoming too religious. He said that though he was not particularly religious he'd initially seen her attending church as a positive thing and source of good friends and influences. However, he said that now that the church had come to dominate her social calendar and strongly influence how she expressed herself, for instance she often referenced the Bible and spoke of Christ's love, he'd become concerned. He felt that perhaps she was isolating herself and missing opportunities that she'd never have back. Further, he questioned whether having the church define her political and occasionally scientific views at such a young age was good for her.
The mother asked what he would prefer their daughter do? Stop attending church and start drinking and partying? She said that they should count themselves lucky to be buying a book on religion rather than a book on pregnancy.
You're probably right, he said. I guess I'm just having trouble adjusting to the fact that my daughter things I'm going to hell.

Man Feels Using English Accent Gets Him Better Service

A man who was apparently on a first or second date with a young woman greeted his waiter and ordered drinks with a noticable, but not overly think, English accent. When the waiter departed the young woman asked him what he was doing. The man said that after living with an English roomate for years and watching the way his roomate was treated when they went out, he'd begun using an English himself because the result was almost always better service. He said that in addition to being novel and grabbing attention, the accent seemed to earn him an instant level of respect.
The girl said that she'd struggled with exactly the opposite probelm when she'd left the South and gone to college. She said that in order to have her views taken seriously she'd felt it necessary to downplay her Southern accent. Eventually, she said, she'd learned to drop it all together and she admitted that now when she ventured home should couldn't help feeling that some of her friends sounded kind of dumb.
The man said he wondered why that was? Why did European accents garner respect while Southern ones seemed to do just the opposite?
A Hispanic busyboy working at the table next to them looked over and said, "I don't know but, the further south you come from, the worse it gets."

Man Feels It's Not Possible To Waste Time

A pair of friends were sharing coffee when one of them began to lament the fact that he had wasted much of his weekend watching a Real World marathon. He said that when he thought about all the other things he could have been doing, from yardwork to reading a book, the way he'd wasted his weekend sort of made him sick.
His friend argued that he didn't really think it was possible to waste time, since it would require acting against one's self interest, which he felt was also not possible. He said that in hindsight it might appear that his weekend had been wasted, but that at the time he must have weighed, consciously or unconsciously, all the requisite options and decided that what he most wanted from those moments was to spend them watching TV. If he'd wanted something else more, he'd have done something else. In essence, he said, you're always doing exactly what you want to be doing, even if you later regret it. If you regret it enough then the next time you're faced with a similar set of choices you're likely to choose differently.
So you're saying I never do anything wrong? asked the first man.
I'm saying you never make a decision to do something that less than 50% of you wants to do. It's not that you don't ever make bad choices, it's just that always seem like the best choices when you make them.

Liar Upset Boss Assumes He's Lying

A young man studying with a young woman in a bookstore yesterday decided that his workload was going to prevent him from going to his job. He phoned his boss and explained that he had bad news. He said that his car wouldn't start and that it also had a flat tire. After a brief pause he went on to say that no, his spare was also flat. Another pause and he said that, yes he might be able to make it in couple hours late, once repairs were made, but that he had a doctors appointment shortly after, so it would hardly be worth it. A few seconds passed and then he said, okay and hung up. Then, looking very perturbed, he threw his phone in his bag and said, unbeleivable.
The young woman asked what the trouble was.
He said that his boss, 'totally thought I was lying,' and requested that he bring in receipts for all the car troubles if he wanted to keep his job.
But you were lying, responded the young woman.
Yes, he said, but she doesn't know that. For all she knows I'm having a shitty day where my car won't start and I have two flats and instead of being sympathetic she's asking for recipts.
What a bitch, he concluded.

Woman Afraid To Tell Fiancee He Can't Sing

A woman looking through bridal magazines with a friend confided that she was afraid that if she could not muster the strength to tell her fiancee that he was a poor singer, he might ruin their upcoming wedding. She said that he'd originally written and performed a song for her on the one year anniversary of their first date, and that she'd thought it was extremely thoughtful and told him how much he appreciated it. Since then he'd written and performed songs for her on two other occasions, including after asking her to marry him, and each time the songs had been both more elaborate, and sadly, worse. Recently she said he'd been spending a great deal of time in the basement working on something he wouldn't allow her to hear and she feared that he was planning to sing a new song at their wedding. While they'd started out as sweet gestures she said she couldn't imagine how mortified she'd be if she had to stand in front of her friends and family while her new husband embarrassed her with his awful singing.
Her friend said she didn't see why it would be a big deal just to sit him down and say it seemed like a bad idea to sing at the wedding.
The woman said that as much time as she was putting into preparations he seemed to be spending on this song. She said she'd even heard him talking on the phone to a member of the band and she suspected that they might be rehearsing together.
The friend then asked if the fiancee had made any other requests as to how the wedding should go.
The woman said, no, he'd pretty much given her carte blanche to do as she saw fit and everything else was going to be perfect.
The friend then said that she should probably just let him do the stupid song. If he was willing to do everything that was asked of him to make the day perfect for his new wife, then the least she could do was give him five minutes to make it perfect for himself.
But what if what makes it perfect for him ruins it for me, the woman asked?
I'm sure it won't be the last time, her friend replied.

Teen Feels Father's Decision To Get Braces Is Pointless

A teenage girl having coffee with her friend last night argued that her father's recent decision to get braces to correct his teeth was ridiculous. She argued that any benefit in terms of his appearance once he had fixed his teeth was sure to be offset by the fact that until then he would be an old man with braces (apparently he'd opted for 'invisible braces', but the young woman felt they failed to live up to that description). Further, she said that the whole thing seemed like a total waste of money. Her father had a wife to whom he'd been married for 20 years, a job as a transportation engineer that he was likely to keep until he retired, and two kids. How he thought having straight teeth would improve his life was a mystery to her. She suggested that they'd all be better off if the money were spent on something that was at least useful, like a boat or a flat screen TV.
Her friend said she completely understood where the young woman was coming from. She said her own father sometimes tried to shop for clothes in 'hip' stores and had recently asked her what she thought of a new pair of sneakers he'd purchased.
I wanted to tell him, what's the point, she said, you're 50 something years old, it's not like anyone is looking at you anyway.