Friday, February 10, 2006

Standard Celebrity Marriage Contract Rider

1. Till death do us part is understood by both parties to mean 'at least several weeks, give or take'.

2. Marriage will be dissolved should one party change their appearance substantially (also known as 'hitting the wall').

3. Marriages that result in some sort of fusion of the couple's first names (i.e. Benifer) will be dissolved as soon as the fused term fails to appear on the cover of any supermarket periodical (tabloid) for a period of nine days.

4. Marriage will be dissolved should either party turn out to be gay. However, if rumors of homosexuality persist without actual proof neither party is allowed to dissolve the marriage without A) finding a suitable replacement for themselves before dissolution or B) providing the other party with an offspring so as to attest to heterosexual tendencies.

5. Marriage will be dissolved should the distance between the two individuals 'lists' ever become more than a single letter grade (i.e. A list and C list). One party being unlisted is grounds for annulment.

6. Marriage will be dissolved should either party find themselves shooting a film with an attractive and available member of the opposite sex.

7. Should the parties decide to separate, they will do so only after making a sufficient number of vows through the media that they are absolutely not separating.

8. Any offspring produced by the married couple will be given obtuse, annoying, or blatantly misspelled names.

9. Divorce proceedings, when they arise, will be handled in a public manner, with disclosures made about the violent, drunken, and/or emotionally destructive actions of each party. Any sex tapes will be auctioned off with proceeds going towards legal fees.

10. Marriage will be dissolved should the bride reach the age of 30.

1 comment:

amybenay said...

I especially like the last one.