Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Little Known Presidential Tattoos - George Washington (1st In A Series)

George Washington - Not only was George Washington the first president of our country (and noted train engineer) he also invented the tattoo. Due to the abysmal state of science and medicine in colonial America, ink was widely believed to have magical and curative properties. In addition to its use in writing letters and very fancy looking grocery shopping lists, ink was also spread on crops (to induce growth), poured on cats (to induce levitation), and baked into pastries (to induce blueberry muffins). Also, at Washington's suggestion, it was poured on open wounds, which, when healed, retained the ink in the form of a tattoo (originally referred to as a 'cat levitation juice mark' but later shortened for convenience).

Most of Washington's tattoos, which resulted from the treatment of his numerous battle wounds, are well known thanks to the US Post Office stamp series 'Washington's Battle Derived Tattoos'. However, very few know of the tattoo on his abdomen, just to the left of his navel, which resulted from a row with a noted bayonet maker of the time named Chuck Jones.

Legend has it that Washington commissioned Jones to make him a very special bayonet to take into his final campaign in the Revolutionary War. Honored, Jones spent nearly a full year carefully honing and crafting a bayonet like no other. During this time Jones was rumored to have been drinking and inhaling vast quantities of ink (as was customary in the trade at the time) and the hallucinogenic effects may have had something to do with his ultimate design.

Finally the bayonet was complete and Jones presented it to Washington along with several blueberry muffins and an ink covered cat which was in no mood to levitate. However, far from being impressed by the intricate design and craftsmanship of the bayonet, Washington was appalled. Rather than going with the traditional 'pointy' design, Jones had sculpted the metal into a small blunt figurine which he imagined General Washington driving right through the heart of countless British officers. Washington exclaimed that the bayonet was useless and completely incapable of stabbing anyone, and as a result he refused to pay.

Upset by the criticism and perhaps eager to prove the stabbing power of his design, Jones attacked Washington, stabbing him once in the abdomen before being subdued and banished to what is now Daytona Beach, Florida where he subsisted exclusively on a diet of ink for the next century and a half before rejoining society and using his old bayonet designs in the booming field of cartoons.

His first sale was based on the very bayonet design he had shoved into President Washington, resulting in the first president's least talked about tattoo. Jones later decided to call the design 'Marvin the Martian' out of deference to the great leader (who as you're aware was known as Marvin to his friends). This design again became popular in the late 90's, though few who requested it were aware of its historical significance and all would later deeply regret having it permanently placed on their bodies.

Next time.... Bill Clinton


Anonymous said...

He aint invent tattoos ancient eygptians did n shit.

Unknown said...

No shit there they go tryin to give credit to the white man again!

Anonymous said...

"He ain't?" Really, so your a history major with the language skills of a hood rat?!

Anonymous said...

You know how the Europeans are, they everything. Whatever helps ppl sleep at night.

Anonymous said...

Tattoos predate egiptian culture even and multiple different ways of application in different cultures around the world. The electric rotary tattoo gun was invented by Samuel o Reilly which was a reinvention of a Edison invention but was probably stolen from tesla or someone else originally anyway but why learn anything when you can blame stuff of ethnicity right