Monday, September 04, 2006

Your Blog Has Been Kidnapped

Dear Sir:

You may have noticed that your blog was not updated last week. You may have attributed this to laziness or indecision on the part of those responsible for its contents. It was neither. Your blog has been kidnapped. We have kidnapped it.

These are our demands. First, we want pizza, and lots of it. No veggies. We're kidnappers. We're short term thinkers. We don't care about things like cholesterol and heart attacks. We want lots of meat.

Also, we want a plane. Now, most kidnappers want a 747, and then you go round and round about how you can't get one and next thing you know we're out of pizza. So we're not going to be picky. Any plane will do. Personally, I'd like to see one of those planes with two wings on each side, the ones where you have to wear goggles like the Red Baron? But like I said, any plane will do.

Should you fail to meet our demands we will torture your blog. We've already tortured it a little, just sort of as a test, both to see if we could do it (we could!) and to see if it yielded any information (well...). Your blog has already told us where you keep the money, and jewelry, and your baseball cards. It told us which drawer your underwear is in, and it mentioned that you were running low on ice cream and that you planned to pick up some Wheat Thins the next time you were at the store. To be honest, your blog hasn't shut up. It talked about some dog it saw in the park for like forty minutes, and you know, we're kidnappers, we don't know this blog, so we figured the story was going somewhere. But not really. It was a wiener dog. That was pretty much it. And the torture? We like pulled on it's arm, a little, and you know, off it went.

So really, at this point, we're ready to give the blog back. All we're looking to get out of this is some pizza. You send us that plane and we'll fly the little guy home and you can listen to this nonsense all you want. We're not really interested in reasons why you can't play Taboo with lemurs.

To recap: Pizza + Plane = Everybody wins. If you can't get a plane, just send a bus ticket. Or just a paper plane, which we'll accept as a good effort and the blog can just walk home. Also, some of the guys are getting scared about the cholesterol now, so maybe put some veggies on a couple of those pizzas. And send along some statins. Maybe get us an appointment with a cardiologist. I mean, don't kill yourself, just if it's convenient. The main thing is that we get your blog out of here and let it get back to bothering other people.

You have exactly one hour. If we haven't heard from you in that time we'll probably just give up and go out for pizza and/or doctor's appointments.


Anonymous said...

I hope you gave in to their demands. Blogs are people too, you know. I'd chuck in one of those food group cards. They're a great help when deciding on toppings.

Heather said...

Are you commenting on someone's blog in particular, or are you pointing out that you're moving on to something else?

Anonymous said...

HA! Weiner dog!