Monday, August 21, 2006

Crate And Barrel Catalog Descriptions Which Resulted In My Firing From Crate And Barrel's Copywriting Department

Athens Occasional Table - 249.00

Sharp and chic with a solid crafted base and bold clean lines. Available in both a birch and an ash veneer, this table is equally at home under simple magazines or your finest objet d' art. What is an occasional table anyway, you might wonder? Isn't being a table pretty much a full time job? Tables need breaks now? They get vacation? On those occasions when a table is not a table, is it drinking somewhere and dialing the phone numbers of ex-girlfriends who married lawyers and listening to them breathe before getting stoned and staring at old calendars while trying to pinpoint the exact day that it's life turned to total shit? Because if so, sign me up, I can hold an objet d' art occasionally.

Mortise and tenon joinery, Lower display shelf, Made in Canada

Bayside Sleeper - 5599.00

Life in the balance: home and work, utility and style, form and function. That's the strength of this microsuede wonder with deep cushions and a relaxed attitude. It's the perfect spot to unwind after a long day of writing catalog copy about furniture and trinkets that you probably can't afford. Pull out the sleeper bed and the inlaws will have a comfy place to crash next time they're in town, assuming that they stop pointing out that your apartment is too small to have a guest room long enough to get any sleep. Park it in front of a big screen HDTV and you'll forget all about the nagging dreams and ambitions that might haunt you on lesser seating and be filled with a harmonious numbness we call: balance. Can a sofa really do all that? It's almost six grand. It damn well better do something.

Coil and air mattress, Kiln dried frame, Matching throw pillows included

Kleiner Table Lamp - 199.00

Marbled glass with beveled edges combined with a white translucent shade to offer soft illumination to your darkest places. Well, not your darkest places. That would take one of those lights like they have in the top of the Luxor, you know, one of those lights that can be seen from space. And you'd probably want to have like a whole team of psychiatrists and possibly law enforcement on hand because, seriously, who knows what's buried down there. Remember when your cousin peed on you in front of Sally Metzger in like third grade? Thought about that lately? Wanna shine some light over in that area and see what's doin? Maybe it's best to just make do with a minimal amount of illumination, soft light as they say. Use it to read a self help book or two.

Poly-cotton shade, Clear cord, Three way switch

Professional 600 Stand Mixer - 499.00

Commercial grade power and style for the home. Don't let the elegant pearl metallic finish fool you, this monster is ready to work. 24 Cup capacity mixing bowl means you can knead dough for eight loaves of bread at once! 18 speeds allow you to do everything from whip to stir. Of course we both know that you don't know how to cook anything that doesn't come out of the freezer and go into the microwave, that you'll just park this little number on the counter where it will collect dust and never live up to it's bread kneading, hyper-whipping potential. No, if you want fresh bread, you eat out. Honestly, turn this on, you'd probably lose a finger. But you've still got to have it because without it no one will be able to look at your counter and whisper to their friends, 'holy shit, that's one of those 500 dollar mixers'. Screw making bread. With this, you don't even have to plug it in and your friends will be too sick with envy to eat anything anyway. Bunch of anorexic morons.

All steel construction, Direct drive gears and transmission, 600 watt motor

Spiral Carved Bowl - 89.95

Freeform lines and top notch craftsmanship combine to bring you this hypnotizing item that will not only fill that empty space on the table, but the one in your life. That's right, you probably didn't realize how unfulfilled you were until you saw this catalog and realized that your problem is not that you hate your job and are dissatisfied with your familial situation, it's just that your shit doesn't match! You just need a cohesive design scheme! What you need, is this motherfucking bowl! This bowl is going to love you like your parent's couldn't, like your wife no longer does, and like those ungrateful hooligans who sprang from your loins never will. This bowl doesn't want anything from you except 90 dollars, and in return it will sit on your table and it will tell people that you are not a failure who spends weekends watching E True Hollywood Stories and drinking wine from a Gatorade bottle. It will say that you have a worldly appeal and an international pedigree! It will scream that you are sophisticated and wise! It will lie for you, and it will never stop, and probably that will go along way towards making you whole again. Isn't that worth 90 measly dollars you cheap bastard?

Hand wash, Black stain, Foodsafe

7 comments:

hallwayfour said...

I am laughing my head off. Hilarious post - I loved it!

Traveling Man said...

I hope this wasn't inspired by a recent trip to visit some very dear, close friends that might or might not live in Plano. ;)

Napfisk said...

Gosh, I should've done something like that when I was last laid off as a copywriter at some global pharmaceutical conglomerate. Would've been fun.

Great piece!

Heather said...

The Powers That Be didn't think these descriptions would sell product? Hmmm.

Maxine Dangerous said...

Hysterical! ;)

Anonymous said...

i adore you.

Anonymous said...

i adore you.