Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Don't Focus On The Negative

It's sad the way that people always tend to focus on the negative. The other day I told someone that she looked like a hefty Jessica Simpson and which word do you think she focused on? It wasn't Simpson, I can tell you that. Negativity is all around you, like a plastic bag that you know you shouldn't play with but you can't help it and then suddenly you're asphyxiating. The best way to deal with negativity is not to pick it up and put in on your head creating an airtight seal that will eventually kill you.

Often you will find that some people are more negative than others and are more intent on transmitting that negativity your way. Police officers, for example, will often find fault with a relaxed attitude and won't be satisfied until they've assaulted you with phrases like 'wrong way down the entrance ramp' and 'dragging a shopping cart for the last six miles' to try to poison your mental state. Don't fall into their trap. Instead, try sending a little positivity back their way, as in, "These handcuffs are very shiny and the way they pinch my skin reminds me of a mighty piranha." Other people you might find focused on the negative and in need of a little sunshine: Lawyers, Judges, Prison Officials.

Work can be another source of bad mojo, especially if your boss is a Negative Nelly like mine. 'Overdue', 'Misappropriated', 'Harassment', these are just some of the buzz words that haunt a typical day in the office. To which I usually say, "Lighten up Tootse. What's it going to cost to get you to forget about that little deadline? I've got lots of cash socked away in a numbered account and I'm willing to share." This has repeatedly resulted in my termination. A less positive person would probably focus on that result and give up on the strategy, but I'm a committed optimist, sweet tits.

But even the most optimistic among us sometimes get the blues. Being a positive person doesn't mean that you won't ever cry, or sleep for days at a time, or dangle your feet off the edge of an overpass and swear that you're going to drop yourself onto the next vehicle that looks like it's piloted by a happy person. Those feelings are normal and an inevitable result of our fast paced modern world. Technically, they're a result of the microwaves which are all around you. If you find yourself in a funk like this, the best thing to do is make a helmet out of tinfoil and constantly repeat "Think happy thoughts," over and over as you go about your business. Other people may focus on the negative aspects of this procedure and try to medicate or lock you away. But that's their issue.

I'm here to tell you that even if you find yourself locked away for 'reckless' driving and 'embezzlement' and your girlfriend chooses to focus on being called hefty instead of being called Jessica Simpson, and the authorities take away your carefully constructed tinfoil negative emotion helmet, ultimately your attitude is still in your hands. You can give in to despair and let it suffocate you like that plastic bag, or you can smile and begin sharpening a toothbrush into a shiv while you contemplate making your escape. I'm POSITIVE you can guess which path I'll be taking, and I'm HOPEFUL you'll do the same.


Anonymous said...

Very amusing. And so uplifting!

Anonymous said...

Loved it!
Trying to "stay positive!" and "be optimistic!" can drive you mad...