Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Wednesdays Are New And Improved

The following are the guidelines for New and Improved Wednesdays:

The first D in Wednesday is no longer silent. The day should be pronounced Wed-nes-day. Also: Favre (Far-ve) will be pronounced Fav-re on Wednesday.

Wednesday may no longer be referred to as 'hump day'. Camels may still be ridden on Wednesday, but their humps must be referred to as 'animal mounds'.

Wednesday now has it's own special cocktail, 'The Wednesday'. It is delicious, invigorating, takes the place of a 55 minute workout, and costs 8 dollars. 'The Wednesday' is available exclusively at TGI Fridays.

All disagreements will be settled with rap battles on Wednesdays. This includes long festering geopolitical disputes (China v. Taiwan, Palestinians v. Jews).

The word 'whimsical' may no longer be used on Wednesday (unless it's tightly integrated into a rap battle).

All financial transactions must be completed in pennies on Wednesday. People who complain about this practice must
a) do so in rap form
and
b) purchase a 'Wednesday' from Fridays for the person to whom they are complaining at a cost of 800 pennies.

Conversations must be supplemented by charts and graphs on Wednesdays. This applies to conversations of any length on any subject. Even threats. And yellow must figure prominently in all charts and graphs because yellow's birthday is now Wednesday.

Everyone will walk, bike, or use a bulldozer on Wednesdays. Tanks and other treaded vehicles ARE NOT acceptable substitutes. Bulldozers must have a shovel shaped device on their front end. Violators in other types of vehicles may be bulldozed at any time. Also: Obviously all bulldozers should be yellow.

Wednesday now begins at noon on Sunday and ends and 8:37 p.m. on Friday.

1 comment:

Aaron said...

I better start saving my pennies. Thanks for the heads up. Always a good read.