Monday, April 10, 2006

Letter From Me To The Team Responsible For Paper Sack Lifetime Entries

Hey gang, kudos all around. Really. I've gotten some swell compliments regarding your work, and you know how I feel about compliments. I love them! A couple people have asked how on Earth I come up with this stuff. Of course, I didn't mention anything about your little group being locked up in that tiny room, but I want you to know that when I said, 'I guess it just comes to me', what I meant is that it just comes to me from some talented and starving individuals who are desperate to see sunlight.

But enough of the ego stroking. Lord knows, there isn't room in that cell for any big heads, am I right? There's also a couple issues I want to touch on right quick. The first is production. Now, all of you know that in order to be released from the various nets or cleverly disguised holes that you stumbled into you each agreed to create three entries a week for this site in perpetuity. Yet, lately I'm told your work has been slightly erratic: posting at odd times, or missing days altogether. Partly this is my fault. As you may have heard, the Learjet needed new upholstery last month and when the bill came for your gruel rations, I just didn't think I could swing both. But I'm back on track this month and hopefully you're eating a big bowl of gruel as we speak and there are no hard feelings. As an added incentive, if you can power through another year of entries I'm willing to get each of you a spoon. Will they be shiny? You bet!

Your minders tell me they've been hearing some 'concerns' about living conditions. When are we getting hot water? How soon will the latrine be finished? Are the shock collars really necessary? Let me remind you that asking questions really won't help you get these entries done. And should you fail to get the entries done, I don't think there will be any confusion over whether or not the shock collars are necessary. But I'm sensitive to your concerns. Just last week the 'return' button on my plasma TV remote stopped working, meaning that in order to get back to the last channel I was watching I had to manually enter the channel number. I'm sure you can imagine how frustrating that was. But you know what? I persevered. I entered those numbers. I watched my shows (the Sopranos are just great, just great). And I think I'm a little bit better person for the adversity. So the next time you find yourself thinking, 'what year is it?', or 'when is the gruel coming?', just remember, this is all building character. When you look at it that way, you'll probably feel like thanking me for those leg irons. Not necessary. Just keep up the good work.

Secondly, I've been thinking about frogs lately. I'd like to see more frog related content on the site. Also, paperclips. Do something funny about paperclips. Beavers, lasers, they were cute the first time, but now... I'm over it. Maybe a fake press release about a frog. Or a letter from a paperclip. I don't know, I leave it to you guys as you've got much more time to think on these things than me. But if you can do a frog and paperclip related post in the next month that gets me to smile, I'll arrange to have the sunshine let in for an hour, hour and a half. How about that? I'm sure your wheels are turning already.

Well, look, I just wanted to say good job while at the same time laying out a veiled threat of bodily harm in the event that you don't shape up, so I'll let you get back to work. If we get any more good reviews and make sure that you're all allowed to share in the glory. Until then, keep writing and conserve your oxygen.

Many thanks,

Mr. Kyle

Minders, you may now seal them back in.

6 comments:

Cuppojoe said...

Now that answers a lot of questions! I guess there's really one one left, though...

Do you rent those guys out?

mr. kyle said...

That's really two questions in one. Are they avaliable for rent? Yes. Do I ever let them out? Of course not.

Chana said...

I apologize, i'll go through the numbers with Mr. Joe again! ;)


You have much to feel good about, your work is great. Thank you for the laughs and for Mr. Joe's hightlight (talk about ego stroking ;) ).

Chana said...

I apologize, i'll get Mr. Joe to teach me to spell!


-highlight-there, i got it.

Jen said...

Wow. A spoony. A *shiny* spoon. Tell me please... how do I sign up? You're really a great guy Mr.Kyle. I bet that if I was fortunate to live under those conditions, I'd be able to write a bunch of superiffic posts worthy of praise.

(And I won't use words like superiffic if you make room for me and give me a spoon).

A said...

Great post. And thanks to Cuppojoe for leading others to this site - the more the merrier I say.