Astronaut

Dear NASA,

I was just wondering if you needed any Astronauts. I guess it's probably a stupid question, but I figured, hey, if you don't ask, you'll never find out.

Dave

Dear Dave,

Funny enough, we were just talking about taking out an ad. Usually we go through the military and scientific community, but whatever, they're kind of square. You're not square are you? Send a photo of yourself in a jockstrap with a pair of those waterwings floaties on your arms to prove otherwise.

NASA

Dear NASA,

No way! That's so awesome! To answer your question, I'm not square at all (see photo). Does this mean I qualify? Do you need a resume or anything?

Dave

Dear Dave,

No resume necessary. You're photo was perfect, just what we're looking for. Do you have access to any liquefied oxygen and/or plutonium? That would really speed things up.

NASA

Dear NASA,

Um. No. I wouldn't even know where to look for stuff like that. Maybe I should come down to your place and we can talk about it.

Dave

Dear Dave,

Don't come down. It's squaresville here, trust us. We'll send you everything you need. Watch your mailbox. Or possibly for a tractor trailer. Probably it will come on a tractor trailer.

NASA

Dear NASA,

Got your package. Must say, not exactly what I was expecting. I did get a rocket. It's big, but you know, not that big. They look bigger on TV. Also, I was under the impression you could get in them. I'm almost sure I've seen that before. This one just has a large velcro patch on the side. I guess that's supposed to connect to the velcro on this suit you sent? Speaking of, the helmet, again, no expert, but looks a lot like a fishbowl that's just been duct taped to the suit. Did I get the right stuff? Also, were there supposed to be instructions besides: light fuse, grasp rocket tightly?

Dave

Dear Dave,

Regarding your perceptions of the equipment, we're not made of money over here, not anymore. As you may know, space research was initially greenlighted under the theory that the moon was made of diamonds and would be a great base station for a super exclusive fat camp (did you know you weigh 1/6th what you weigh on Earth up there?) but neither of those theories really panned out. So, yeah Dave, budget cuts. Welcome to space in the 21st century. We kind of hoped this wouldn't be an issue, but you're sounding suspiciously square about the whole thing. Maybe we should have picked someone else.

NASA

Dear NASA,

I'm sorry. I was just curious. I'm really excited. Really. I quit my job and told all my neighbors and everything. They like totally can't believe it. Really. They're actually in a state of disbelief. Not a single one believes me. Funny huh?

Dave

Dear Dave,

You ride that fireball into space and leave a nicely charred bit o' backyard and we guarantee that will shut the neighbors up. Seriously, we're proud of you Dave. This will be your finest hour. Also, we mailed you a satellite. The thing that looks like a jambox. If you wouldn't mind launching that? Much appreciated. Oh, and if you could get a friend or neighbor to paint the letters USA on your back before you light that fuse, well, it would be good advertising for the program. We think this is going to be the beginning of something special Dave. You're a real pioneer. Pi-o-neer! Best of luck, Dave. Do us proud.

NASA

p.s. you are so totally not square.

Dear Dave,

Saw the launch on the news yesterday. As you know, there's always some kinks to work out when you're trying to get a new program off the ground (no pun intended). Who knew they could just tip over like that once they were lit? To our credit, you have to admit we did a hell of a job with that velcro. Looked like you were fighting pretty hard to detach while that thing was moving around the backyard. Anyway, we're totally willing to send you another rocket when you get out of the hospital. And if you don't feel up to it, we understand that too. Honestly, most of the people who've been to space say it's only so-so. Now, and we hate to even mention this, the news said something about you retaining a lawyer. We're not sure what that's all about, but given our budget constraints we're sure you wouldn't want to sue us. That would just get ugly all around, Dave. This was a mutual thing, Dave. No one side is more at fault than the other just because one side designed and tested the rocket. The important thing is: we have photos of you in a jockstrap and waterwings, Dave. There, we said it. We don't want to have to use them. Please don't make us.

Speedy Recovery!

NASA