Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Incredible 3br 2.5bath - History Meets The Future

Are you looking to break out of the cookie cutter? Well, Welcome Home!

This utterly unique property marries a fascinating history with futuristic features you won't find anywhere else. Reconstructed nearly fifteen years ago (full disclosure, the previous structure did disappear into some sort of highly localized vortex) on lushly forested acreage once belonging to an exclusive pagan ritualisim and social club, this charming home has features you'll be hard pressed to find elsewhere. The kitchen comes fully equipped with self opening and closing cabinets and doors as well as a lively and occasionally talkative refrigerator (don't worry, mostly it just moans and it's never said anything that would offend junior's ears). You'll find hardwood floors throughout with periodic rolling tides of a delightful deep red liquid to brighten things up. Hate to feel alone? You'll find the home's rotating cast of gravitationally unencumbered characters (yes, they're included!) will make you feel cozy and accompanied all day and night. And feel free to turn Fido loose in the large backyard. It's a virtual treasure trove of archeological delights including bones, sacrificial altars, and pagan temples, all tucked neatly under a bed of soft Kentucky Bluegrass.

It simply must be seen to be believed!

Sellers are highly motivated and will entertain all offers. Please give a 30 minute courtesy call before visiting the property. Should you encounter the 'bleeding' floors or walls, please make an effort not to track anything onto the front deck, it's new. Also, should the home threaten you in any way, likely with the booming voice of a demon calling himself Mefisilies, or quickly moving objects (possibly sharp), it's best not to show fear. Just announce in a calm and firm tone that you have an appointment and that you'd appreciate a modicum of cooperation. In almost all cases that's been effective. Also, please do not let the cat out.

Don't let this one get away!


Louisiana said...

Mr. Joe and I are looking for a house that is big enough to hold our 6 kids and all our stuff...but i don't think this is for us....i usually like homes not haunted and much less freaky...Good

Anonymous said...

That does indeed sound like a unique property! Do cockroaches pour out of the toilets and faces appear in the ceilings, too? That's really what I'm looking for.

Anonymous said...

I love the futuristic home, absolutely have to have it! I have a dog that will enjoy the temples, altars outdoors, and does it happen to be a human sacrificing altar or the regular altar type?

The hardwood floor is a dream, and I hope it's in better condition than my current floor where the seams are bulging from pee stains.

How much?