Monday, March 20, 2006

Young Professionals Seeking 'Parental' Arrangement With Promising Youth

Have you ever wished for a different set of parents? A better bred, more successful, and wealthier set of parents? Well, this may be the opportunity you've been looking for.

My wife and I are in our early forties and at dinner the other evening it occurred to us that we'd forgotten to have children. Now, certainly it's not too late, but in discussing the matter further we felt that there were just too many down sides to doing things the 'traditional' way. Crying, for one, is something that neither of us can really tolerate. Also, we're big fans of being able to control and manage your own bowel functions. And those pictures of kids with food smeared all over their faces that everyone thinks are cute, well, that simply wouldn't play at the places we eat.

So we've decided to adopt. My wife is a busy physician and I've just made partner at my law firm, so we don't have a lot of time to sit around coddling a youngster, going to school plays, baseball games, etc. In fact, we've pretty much ruled out anyone who's pre-teen (though if you happen to be a child prodigy in something or maybe Dakota Fanning then you're welcome to at least send a resume). The teen years seem formative and a good place to start, but they're also a time of significant rebellion and we really aren't looking to take anyone on just so they can start hating us and throwing parties that piss off the co-op. We have a house staff for that.

What we're really after is a high school graduate, or possibly a university freshman. My wife is quite insistent that you'd need to be headed to Harvard or Yale. I think that's elitist and am willing to open it up to any of the Ivy League schools. NO STANFORD.

In addition, we'd have to insist that you be getting a useful degree from one of these universities. Unless you can convince us that you're going to make it your life's ambition to teach at the very school you attend then we'll have to say no all English and most -ology degree seekers (unless that's biology and you're willing to take it to med school). In short, we really see ourselves as the parents of another doctor, lawyer, or businessperson, though, again, we're flexible when it comes to prodigies.

Appearance is also a key concern. My wife and I are very attractive and we think our offspring should be too. We're looking for a head turner with perfect teeth, straight hair, nice eyes, and a well toned build. Obviously, you should have complete control of your diet and not be struggling to hold yourself at a presentable weight before you inevitably balloon to your actual size (see Britney Spears). We're not fans of anorexia, but if you meet all the other qualifications, we can discuss it.

Should you meet all the requirements and actually be chosen to join our family, we would have to insist that you not only change your name (your whole name, not just the last name. My wife is really hoping to have an Anna Beth. I like Tessa. Boys we haven't sorted out.) but also cease all contact with your former family. Otherwise, the whole thing would just be weird. Going forward, you'd need to refer to my wife as 'Mother' and me as 'Father' (actually, I know it's cliché and my wife hates the idea, but I would LOVE it if you called me 'Pop'). Also, we don't necessarily plan to tell anyone that you're adopted. You might think our friends would find it suspicious that we were suddenly joined by a child nearing twenty, but with proper boarding schools and nannies most people we know don't really see their kids until around that age. We're pretty sure a few of them have gone this route themselves.

What you'll get is a pair of loving and cultured parents who are willing to dedicate themselves to seeing you become a proper and envied member of society who will carry on the family name without crying or making a mess. Our pool of resources, both financial and otherwise, is vast, and to the lucky applicant will likely be quite a boon. So if you're a young, attractive, brilliant, ambitious, Ivy League student with no interest in useless degrees (English) then please send a photo (full body, we don't want any surprises) and resume. We hope to send the stork (our Gulfstream 14 passenger jet) to bring our child home for Christmas. Will you be the hit of our tastefully decadent soiree? There's only one way to find out. Apply today.

Your new (better) Mother and Father (Pop) await.

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