Monday, November 13, 2006

Lies I Want To Clear Up Ahead Of Our Wedding

I'm not a vegetarian.

I've been painstakingly molding various meats into vegetable shapes and coating them with food coloring. This has required countless hours and caused me to lose my job, plus it makes it hard to go out (I have to pack my own pre-shaped meat). I like meat and I'd like to eat it in regular meat shapes.

I lost my job.

As noted above, my attendance at work had been spotty since we fell in love. Further, I had taken to selling items from my cube on ebay to finance some of the fancier outings that seemed crucial to the wooing process. There wasn't much in my cube though, so I sold some plants, paintings, and high end electronics from around the office. My former boss assures me that I'll never work in another law firm in this town again. I'm thinking about art.

I'm not a lawyer.

I was actually an assistant at the firm before I got fired. My understanding is that you have to have a clean criminal record to be a lawyer and those pyramid scheme convictions (I was convicted in several pyramid schemes if I didn't mention that [not mentioning is not the same as lying, so that's why I don't feel this deserves a correction all it's own]) would probably disqualify me. That and the fact that I can't read.

I can't read.

All those 'high brow' magazines you remarked on are just there to perpetuate the lie. I get them because they look incredibly boring and I'm confident no one else will read them and want to discuss them. It's really not nearly as much of a problem as it sounds like. I've memorized my way around most places, plus, in my art career words will probably not be that important.

I hate country music.

Yes, even the Dixie Chicks. If I could have read the tickets I would never have gone to that concert with you. But I did, and I've had nightmares about it ever since. I can't say when I'll stop waking up screaming, but at least now you know why. Also, I burned your CD collection last week which led to the big fire.

I started the big fire.

I was trying to make sure that our wedding was country music free and I guess I used a bit much lighter fluid. Once the curtains went it just got out of control. I probably should have just told you how much I hated that music, but at the time a fire seemed like an elegant solution. Also, as long as we keep quiet I think the insurance will pay for quite a honeymoon.

I feel so much better with all this off my chest. Can't wait til' tomorrow.


Dr. David Rockefeller IV esq.

dbnr (obviously)


Heather said...

Good luck with that marriage.

Anonymous said...

Kyle, reading your posts always makes me laugh :-)