Thursday, December 08, 2005

Quantum Leap - The Never Seen Finale (w/ Ashlee Simpson)

So listen, Sam, Ziggy says you've leaped into a girl named Ashlee Simpson. Yes, I know, the voice is incredibly annoying. Try not to talk. We're still working out the details, but we know that she and her family were part of an ugly little period in history where completely vapid individuals with no discernible talent were successfully marketed to a brainwashed public. We're not sure exactly what happens, but Ziggy says it doesn't end well. I have no idea why her name is spelled with two e's. Ziggy says her father was most likely a complete jackass

Sam, Sam, just calm down okay? We have a plan. You're doing a show called Saturday Night Live this weekend and, what? Oh, apparently a show that was popular in the late 20th century until every decent member of the cast left. It was canceled in 2006. Anyway, you're supposed to perform live in front of the country. So? So Ziggy says that if we sabotage the performance and reveal your complete lack of ability then the country might finally wise up to the Simpsons and let them fade into obscurity before there's any harm done, and with any luck, you should leap. Ziggy says something called Milli Vanilli was successfully stopped when people discovered that they lipsynced all their songs, so we pull a similar stunt on this Saturday Night Live and Bingo! Ziggy says there's a 74% chance that you're out of here. How should you react? I don't know, just do the most ridiculous thing you can think of. Dance a hoe-down maybe. Just make sure that when you walk off that stage everyone knows you're a complete and total fraud.

*****

Well, we're not sure, but, ah, it looks like it might have backfired. Ziggy says that now, not only do you not fade away, but that your next album outsells your first. How? I have no idea. We've got the most sophisticated computers of the future working on this and we still haven't cracked it. Sam, please, just stop. That voice is like a drill in my temple. Besides, Ziggy says that maybe by showing people you're not only untalented but an incredibly awful person as well we can get them to stop paying attention to you and hopefully we stop Ashley from doing whatever this awful thing she's supposed to do is. Well, I know it sounds like a stretch, but we're planning to have you attack an employee in a Canadian Mc'Donalds and let the whole thing be caught on tape. Of course you can. Sam, Ziggy says this may be your last chance to leap, so go all out, really try to come across as the kind of person people would line up to hit over the head with a heavy object. I don't want to freak you out, but Ziggy says that if this doesn't work, well, a lot of people are going to get hurt.

*****

I'll be straight with you, Sam, Ziggy says it looks bad. You haven't made a dent in this girl's popularity. If anything, she's getting stronger. Apparently she runs for President in 2012, and shortly thereafter, well, everyone in the United States dies. No, no, it's not a war. This gets a little complicated, but Ziggy says that George Washington is brought back to life in 2011 to run against her. When she's elected in a landslide he renounces democracy and turns the country's nuclear arms on itself. No one in America survives and the fallout kills millions more around the world. I know, it's awful, but Ziggy says she's 99% sure there's no way to stop it. The people inexplicably love this talentless fraud. The 1% chance? Let's not talk about that. No. I can't. Fine. Ziggy says that if Ashley were to jump off a building that there's a small chance we could save the world. A small chance, Sam, so don't go getting any ideas. We'll come up with something else. Absolutely not. That's why I didn't want to tell you, I knew you'd try to do this. I'm not going to let you. You hear me? I don't care if it means saving humanity, we've worked too hard for too long to see it end this way. I don't know how, but you don't have to do it. It's not your fault Ashley Simpson destroys the world, and it's not your job to stop her. Are you sure? Really? Well Sam... what can I say? I'll miss you. You're more than a brilliant scientist who utilized his own time travel machine before it was ready, you're a friend, and most of all, you're a genuine hero. I'm going to make sure the people of the future know exactly who saved them from this horrible Simpson fiend. Goodbye, Ashlee. And goodbye, Sam.

2 comments:

Heather said...

I love it! When will this episode be made? I want to be sure and record it.

amybenay said...

Hilarious!