New 12 Week Workout Plan

Week One: Consider signing up with a gym. Decide gyms are an expensive waste of money. Try working out at home. Do 500 curls with dictionary and 8 push ups before deciding that equipment is insufficient. Reconsider signing up with a gym.

Week Two: Start gym membership. Feel confident that outrageous monthly fees will inspire diligence. Grab very heavy weights which look 'about right' for various exercises. Attempt unsuccessfully to lift those weights, then exchange them for much smaller weights while acting casual and hoping no one notices. Look at muscles in mirror at the end of each workout. Assure self you see progress.

Week Three: Attempt to shred T-shirt. Chalk failure up to a lack of supplements and powders. Blend all foods and drinks. Purchase several magazines promising to 'blast' or 'rip' certain muscle groups in very short periods of time. Justify purchase of Ipod as essential accessory for getting in the zone while working out. Purchase spandex pants.

Week Four: Wake up on Monday and realize that it is raining. Accept that rain makes going to the gym impossible for reasons you need not explore before hitting snooze. Join co-workers for non-blended chili and cheese laden lunch. Accept invitation to watch game at Hooters after work rather than hitting gym because what's the point of almost being able to tear a small seam in your T-shirt if you can't show it off. Eat wings, drink beer, wake up too tired to visit gym in the morning. Repeat.
Variations: Realize that 'too sunny' is also a weather condition which makes it impossible to visit gym.

Week Five through Eight: Rest.

Week Nine: Get credit card statement reminding you that you're giving half your paycheck to a gym rather than kid's college education. Feel guilty. Discover massive financial penalties involved in canceling gym membership. Make cursory trip to gym, decide to walk on treadmill for half hour. Calculate cost per minute, then per step. Look at muscles in mirror. Realize you've somehow gained weight.

Week Ten: Make trip to gym but decide that perhaps you'd be better off just having a soak in the hot tub. Remain in locker room for entire session. Think about just getting fat and having a hot tub put in at home.

Week Eleven: See news story about overweight Americans/heart attacks and/or Victoria's Secret commercial. Resolve to really get after it and whip self into shape. Starting next week.

Week Twelve: Drive to gym but sit in parking lot. Decide you don't need all this fancy machinery and skin tight clothing. Realize that farmers and impoverished Africans both seem to have really ripped abs and no access to fitness equipment. Decide that technology and gizmos are overrated and have destroyed your focus. Decide that what you really need is a bigger dictionary. Visit bookstore next to gym and buy gigantic dictionary. When cute check out girl makes comment about that being a 'lot of words', smile politely and awkwardly attempt to flex all muscles while handing her cash. Lug book home while deciding she was into you and that all this working out has really paid off.