Thoughts On Our Recent Trip To Hell And Back

Friday plane - airport was a zoo. Lady in front of us actually started smoking on the plane. Attendant told her to stop. Lady asked what exactly would happen if she didn't stop. "We are going to Hell," she pointed out. Smokers came out of the woodwork after that. Rough landing due to tires melting on touchdown.

Accommodations were as advertised, hot, pointy, red, but somehow I was hoping for more. Brochure showed lava flowing through the rooms, but lava was mostly confined to the lobby. Also, no HBO.

Locals were not terribly friendly. Tolls to cross every river or bridge. Everyone is damned. Everyone is hopeless. Very hard to get them to smile for photos. Nearly impossible to get them to take photo of us and the kids.

Food was sub-par. I was ready for hot, spicy, melt your insides and make you beg for mercy, like Indian times a hundred. But for the most part, everything was just charred. Like, black. Is it meat, vegetable, other? Who knew. Very tough. No flavor. Zero points for presentation. I won't even start about the ice cream.

Scenery was initially impressive, but then it like, okay, I've seen the pits of souls, the flaming seas. Hell, there's pointy rocks in Utah! There's just really not much variety. You could certainly see it in a day. Even a long layover would give you the flavor.

Did see a small patch of snow. Took lots of pictures. Locals were not impressed. Asked why they were not more amazed to see the place frozen over. Apparently it happens all the time, contrary to popular belief. Deleted most of the photos. In retrospect, snow is snow.

The Devil. Wow, what a wait. And honestly, kind of felt like a tourist trap. Yes, he has the horns and the tail, and even that little beard thing, but five hours in line? When I wait five hours in line, you better deliver Mickey Mouse or some sort of trained animal that can balance something on something else while riding another thing. He was polite, though. Told the kids they'd be welcome back anytime. I suggested he'd need some HBO and better cell coverage if he wanted my kids to see Hell again.

Celebrity sightings - sure, a few. I mean, they're all about if you look, but it really wasn't that impressive. Hell seems to be rough on your looks.

Flight back got stuck in Limbo. Very boring. Around our thrity fifth hour in the terminal I decided we're definitely sacking the travel agent.

Would I go back? Doubtful. If I need a lake of fire, I'll head to Cleveland and get a place with some HBO. Not that we're going to Heaven next year either. I've heard customs there is a bitch. Sea World probably.