Possible Reasons Your Prayers Were Not Answered

Hi there. I'm in the prayer complaint department and we're constantly hearing from the faithful who are upset that their prayers seem to go unheard or unanswered. The following is a brief list of things you can think about to improve your the odds of making your prayer successfully heard and potentially acted upon.

1. Which God are you praying to?
As you know, there are a number of world religions, and most of them are mutually exclusive. So if you're not praying to the proper God, you're just talking to yourself, and that's silly. I'm legally unable to name the proper God, but I can tell you that praying to the wrong one is the number one mistake made by most people. If you're too lazy to sort out the one true faith, perhaps begin a regimen of praying to all possible Gods (though this will upset some of the Gods) as a way of covering your bases.

2. Are you praying or wishing?
A prayer is a search for answers, guidance, relief, or strength. It is not a request for a new Xbox. Also, prayers are not directed at birthday candles or twinkling stars. That's Disney's department, not ours.

3. Style counts.
As you can imagine, we hear a lot of prayers. A lot. Imagine getting billions of letters everyday. Even if you could read them, wouldn't you be more likely to respond to the ones that were well written, on nice paper, and completely legible? Prayers are the same way. We've heard it all. Twice. So getting your prayer noticed requires you to be inventive. Think before you pray. Is this the most interesting way to phrase this? Am I just wandering off on a tangent and talking about my day before finally saying thanks and good night? Would my prayer be better if I set it to music or accompanied it with a laser light show? Just remember, if you want the big cheese to put some time and effort into a response, the least you can do is pretty up the request.

4. Is your prayer sports related?
God has no interest in sports whatsoever. Unless it's curling. Women's curling. Otherwise you're just talking to yourself. Often on national TV.

5. Did you pay for postage?
Used to be that a simple Amen would get your stuff up here, but times are changing. In an effort to cut down on frivolous/sports related prayer, we've found ourselves forced to start charging. The prices are still in flux (it's an emerging market) but the going rate is roughly one kind word or deed per prayer. That's it. Help that lady across the street. Tell that guy his pants are on backwards, and your stylish, well written, non wish prayer will get to the proper authorities (assuming, obviously, that you've chosen the proper religion). It's pretty cheap when you think about it.
Also, doughnuts are an acceptable payment. Krispy Kreme. Left on the front porch, Santa Clause style.