Acceptance Speech I Would Have Given Had I Been Nominated And Then Won An Oscar This Sunday

I'd like to begin by thanking my fellow attractive and politically aware celebrities. With any luck we'll soon end all of the world's problems by making movies. First and foremost I know many of you join me in calling for the end to the many abuses to animals, including medical research and domestication and, God willing, we'll soon be able to live in a world where both cows and cancer are allowed to roam free.

Prior to winning I was prepared to talk about how just being nominated was an honor. But now that I've won I see that winning is the only real honor and being nominated is much like making it to the Superbowl only to lose the big game, something I experienced earlier this year when I secured tickets to the big game but was unable to convince either team to let me play. The feeling I had as I watched the clock tick down and realized that I would not get to hoist the trophy over my head is one that haunts me to this day.

A lot of people told me that I'd never get up here. You may have seen some of them trying to wrestle me to the ground just moments ago. But clearly I was more determined than those people, and also willing to coat myself in Crisco so that I could elude their grip and claim what's mine. It's that same determination that will allow me to escape the gaggle of police officers gathered at the edge of the stage and to someday scratch off the name engraved on this statue and replace it with my own.

It's become standard to thank a whole list of people in these situations, agents, managers, cast, crew, and family. As I'm told every time I call their offices, my agents and managers all died and are buried in unmarked graves in other countries. Regardless, there's really no need to acknowledge their contributions. As for the cast and crew, it's been some ride, eh guys? I know many of you doubted my vision and abilities, and found some of my habits (covering each of you in Crisco daily) somewhat off putting. But here we are, or more specifically, here I am, up here, and there you are, down there. Who belongs in an institution now? As for my family, let me repeat that last question, Who belongs in an institution now?

Well, I hear the orchestra and I've noticed several of those laser aiming dots on my body, so I'll wrap up. In summary, this has been a real honor, and I'd simply like to tell all of you at home to never give up. With a little focus, effort, and shortening, you too can hoist one of these naked golden men in your greasy hand and finally know what it means to truly be alive.