Bush To National Audience, "I Feel Duped"

Washington D.C.
by Kyle Killen

In a stunning move, possibly inspired by syndicated talk show host Oprah Winfrey's similar actions last week, George Bush appeared on national television today to apologize to fans and register his disgust and disappointment with the authors of The Case For War In Iraq, which he had previously championed.

A sometimes angry, sometimes tearful Bush asked Vice President Dick Cheney why he "felt the need to lie." Audience members often groaned and gasped at Cheney's halting, stuttered admissions that certain facts about Iraq had been "altered" but that the essence of the case for war was real.

"I don't think of it as fiction," Cheney said of the case, which had been offered to previous presidents but rejected. "I still think it's essentially, more or less, basically, an approximation of the facts that we knew at the time."

When subjected to an intense, almost line by line, questioning of the statements made in the material, Cheney appeared to struggle. On the issue of whether or not there were really ever any weapons of mass destruction Cheney said, "...that's... I honestly don't know... that's... I've struggled with the idea of that."

"No. The lie of it, Dick. That's a lie, not an idea," Bush said before a stunned audience.

Bush's appearance began with a montage of various interviews and appearances in which he'd previously offered his vigorous defense of The Case For War In Iraq, calling charges that many of the underlying facts were exaggerated or fabricated "much ado about nothing".

"I regret those interviews. And I regret those statements," Bush told his audience. "I left the impression that the truth doesn't matter, and for that I'm sorry."

Also called to the stage was Donald Rumsfeld, who's military had put The Case For War In Iraq into production. Bush asked if he'd looked into any of the materials more outrageous claims, such as supposed ties between Al Queda and Saddam Hussein before they started "blowing things up." Rumsfeld said that they'd done their best, but that fact checking is something that is time consuming and not really a military strong suit.

Bush then lectured Rumsfeld on his responsibilities: "I'm trusting you, the military, to tell me whether this is fiction or actionable intelligence."

Bush's support of The Case For War In Iraq has already earned the phenomenally successful material billions and billions of dollars, and while he said that he now sees that his judgment was 'clouded' regarding the facts in the material, he chose not to withdraw his Presidential Seal of Approval from the piece, meaning War In Iraq will still be available, albeit with a new note from the military explaining that most of the underlying case was 'enhanced' and that the names mentioned should be seen as 'characters' rather than real individuals.

"I feel duped," Bush told Cheney, "but more importantly, I feel you betrayed millions of Americans."