Please Do Not Hang Up

Please do not hang up.

Your call is important to us, otherwise, why would we be paying people in India three dollars an hour to answer it? Representatives are currently working with other customers who were unable to follow simple directions or consult our website which, while certified for reading comprehension levels down to the second grade, still proves 'confusing' for those with diminished capacity or a habit of drinking their breakfast. Rest assured that our foreign intermediaries will quickly hear and then dispatch with the trivial complaints ahead of yours through a carefully choreographed dance of heavily accented misunderstanding that reliably forces callers to question whether they should be wasting their time and ours on such non-issues when there are real problems facing the world (earthquakes, hurricanes, Tom Cruise is having a baby!). And then someone will be right with you.

While you wait we suggest you try the following remedies. Look at the directions again, bearing in mind that they've successfully been followed by monkeys, rats, and a tortoise named Bobo in our lab tests. If you're still having problems, try looking out the window. Isn't it a beautiful day? Do you really want to be inside talking about 'problems' when you could be out on a cholesterol and stress reducing walk? (In the event that it's raining or dark where you are, isn't now a good time to curl up with a book, or maybe a simple to follow set of directions?) If you're unable to match the wits of Bobo and can't convince yourself you have anything better to do, please remain on the line.

It's hard to say how much longer the wait will be, and when you think about, who can really say how much longer any of us has? It's entirely possible that you'll die of a massive coronary or stroke before our representative can reach you, and the lasting memory your friends and family will take away will be that you died while waiting for customer support. It's probably not the legacy you wanted but hey, you REALLY need an answer right? You REALLY can't follow those directions. So sit back, relax, and imagine them eulogizing your empty and untimely death.

Your call is very important to us.