Best News For Park City, Utah, EVER!

Residents of Park City, Utah:

Incredible news! A once in a lifetime opportunity! I'm willing to be your neighbor!

As you may well know there are currently a number of fine American and international cities competing to play host to me and my entourage for the next few years, and I'm proud to announce that you're on the short list! And just between you, me, and the lamp post, I'm pulling for you.

Obviously at this point you're probably wondering what you can do to secure this incredible 'get' for yourself and your town. How can you, the average millionaire citizen of Park City, help your town compete with the tempting offers from places like Waco, TX, Pittsburgh, PA, and Little Rock, AR? Simple - buy my house!

That's right. Not only am I willing to live among you, I'm willing to let you, the community, be partial or total participants in owning my home. I've picked out a nice one, Frank Lloyd Wright inspired, 35 acres, 7.5 bedrooms (what exactly is a half bedroom?), 8 baths, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you about the views. It's on the market for about 8 million, and I'm willing to accept community participation to cover the present 7.8 million dollar shortfall.

Suggestions for raising this sum include but are not limited to: fundraising dinners (I'm willing to appear if someone wants to cover my airfare), sale of autographed memorabilia (my signature or yours, whichever you think is worth more), and the organization of some sort of pseudo-religious tax exempt entity in my honor (that's how they dragged L. Ron Hubbard out to LA). Bear in mind these are just suggestions and certainly are not intended to stifle your creativity.

I know that after the Olympics and Sundance you thought it was over for your little town, but here's the moment to transcend those minor 'happenings' and finally put your city on the map. So stop daydreaming about coming over to see me for a cup of sugar (actually the estate is gated and I'm sure there will be dogs, but leave your request with security and someone will be in touch) and make it happen. For you, your family, and your future.

Best of luck Park City.

Mr. Kyle

p.s. If you're a Tucson resident looking to hasten my departure contact Jill at the Run Him Out On A Rail campaign. Every dollar brings us one step closer to putting all this ugliness behind us.

Excerpt of Conversation That Resulted In Einstein's Reincarnation As Brad Pitt

E: So I was close?
G: You were in the neighborhood.
E: I knew it. So you're sending me back to finish?
G: Everyone goes back.
E: This is fantastic.
G: But you're not going to finish.
E: Oh no, I'm close, you said so yourself. A couple years I'll have it all sewn up.
G: Right, well, I'm guessing you'll be less interested in all that next go around.
E: Less interested? Are you nuts! I mean that with all due respect your... you know, God.
G: Al, I'm not going to lie to you. You're not getting the big brain next trip.
E: Oh.
G: But trust me, you're not going to miss it. Don't misinterpret this, but you're going to be incredibly hot. And you remember Jane Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe?
E: Sure.
G: Nothing compared to what I've got planned. And they're all going to be after you.
E: Thanks all the same, but I'd really prefer to get back to work.
G: I know you would, and technically I can't stop you. Once you're there it's all up to you.
E: Well that settles it. I vow to finish my unification theory. With God as my witness, I... what's my name going to be?
G: Brad. Brad Pitt.
E: Brad? Really?
G: You'll make it work.
E: Very well then. With God as my witness, I Brad Pitt will solve the puzzle that lies at the heart of our universe, I will answer the questions that underlie our existence, I will know the mind of... well, of you.
G: I'll be eagerly awaiting your conclusions.
E: I'm serious. I'm going to do it.
G: I'm sure you will. Best of luck.
E: You'll see God, you'll see.
G: Okay. Okay. Just wash your hair this time.

Notice of Breech of Contract Suit Filed By Person You Were On Night Of August 19th

Dear sir,

This is notice of a breech of contract lawsuit being filed against You by my client, The Person You Were On The Night of August 19th. As you may recall, after a lengthy internal discussion you and my client negotiated a set of acceptable goals and circumstances to be collectively pursued in the coming months, and, to insure their implementation, wrote down and signed the document containing the agreed to terms, what will from now on be referred to as 'the contract'.
The details need not detain us here, my client has contacted you numerous times in recent weeks regarding your failure to live up to the central clauses, i.e. the gym, the garden, the novel. He's been more than considerate in allowing you to shuffle and move deadlines. But your actions of the last week have dissolved all trust and made clear your complete lack of intention to meet the agreed to terms.
Putting aside the lawyer talk for a second, let me just say on a personal level that I'm not sure what gave you the idea that purchasing a 'minivan' rather than the agreed to 'red convertible' was remotely acceptable, but it's a mistake you will pay for dearly. As he expressed in no uncertain terms during your discussion, The Person You Were On The Night of August 19th was afraid of getting older and desperately seeking items and actions to assure his youth and vigor. Since you've attained this mammoth affront to vehicular taste my client has been subject to stares and comments that may have irrevocably damaged his psyche and youthful reserves. A coworker asked him if he drove that car to 'bingo' for christ's sake! You think a jury won't be sympathetic when they hear that?
So my client has given up hope that's you'll ever right this ship, and rightly so I might add. We've no other recourse but to seek damages, both compensatory and punitive, for your wanton disregard of the contracted terms. You may think you've moved on, but The Person You Were On The Night Of August 19th is not prepared to go quietly into past like so many of the other People You Were with whom you've made and broken agreements. You've crossed the wrong You this time.

See you in court,

Your Lawyer

p.s. you show up in that damn minivan and I'll shoot you myself

Agnostic Babysitter Faces Crying Eight Year Old

Last night a self professed ‘adamant agnostic’ babysitter was confronted by an eight year who came out of his bedroom in tears after having realized that his mother was eventually going to die. It was entirely unclear what prompted this realization. The young boy simply kept repeating ‘don’t let my mommy die.’ The babysitter assured the boy that his mother was fine and that she would be home very shortly. Once the boy stopped crying he began to pepper the babysitter with questions about life, death, the afterlife, the bible, vampires, zombies, ensoulment, and the current status of his grandfather’s remains which had been interred for about two years. The babysitter mostly claimed not to know or explained that these were questions best posed to the boy’s mother.
The mention of the mother once again got the boy worried about her eventual death. When he asked what would become of her the babysitter felt a sort of duty to her beliefs to tell the boy that she suspected that nothing would become of her, that her remains would be eaten by bacteria and insects, and that once her organs stopped functioning she would cease to exist save for in the memories of those who loved her. The soul was a myth, as was Heaven. She felt this was the real test of her lack of faith.
Instead, she assured him that there was a Heaven and that his mother would wait for him there. The boy asked if the babysitter would also be there.
Sure, she told him, why not.

Attempts To Impress Phrenologist Girlfriend Land Man In Hospital

A man in the ER for 'constant headaches' explained that he'd been taking a hammer to his own head in an effort to save his relationship with his phrenologist girlfriend. He said that she'd been talking about a trial separation and had referenced some of what she felt were the shortcomings of his personality, things she claimed to be able to sense by simply feeling the shape of his head. His Ideality area was apparently small while his Secretivness area was too large. She claimed to have noticed a very large Destructivness spot behind his ear, and most damning, she said the spot on the top left center of his head was almost devoid of Hope.
He said that over the last few weeks he'd been using a hammer to try to change the shape of his head, mashing in the troubling areas and swelling up the underdeveloped ones, in an effort to convince her that he'd really changed. He'd been able to mostly manage the pain though Advil and unexpected moments of unconsciousness, but when she'd actually moved out a day ago, he said that he'd really laid into himself and the pain had yet to subside.
The doctor said that it appeared that he did indeed have a significant lump and that a CT would be necessary to determine whether or not the skull had been fractured. He wondered what the man could have been thinking.
That's right in the Reasoning and Planning area, he said, I was hoping she'd feel I'd gotten smarter.

Note From The Dog You Sent To Live "On A Farm"

It's me. I made it. I know, I'm as surprised as you. Honestly, the whole thing sounded a little too good to be true. Big open fields to run around in? Lots of other dogs to play with? And coming right on the heels of that unfortunate 'biting Aunt Gwen' incident, I'll admit to wondering if the whole thing wasn't some sort of code for 'take the dog to the pound and have him euthanized'.
Boy was I wrong! I don't want to disparage my former home, but this place rocks. And it's not just about the scenery and the license to 'run around'. It's really about the relationships. The dogs here, well, they're just incredible. One of the Lassies lives in my barn. Some people say she's a snob. I say, who else is going to teach us to write letters home and use words like disparage?
Anyway, we're having a sort of doggie Olympics this weekend (it's not nearly as formal as it sounds) and I just thought I'd throw it out there in case you wanted to try to make it. I'm in the stick chase and the sock tug, and, not to brag, but I think I've got a chance in the first one (I've been running a lot and I'm SOOOO thin now! Not that you got rid of me for being fat, but if that was it, problem solved!). I know you're really busy, and even before the Aunt Gwen thing you seemed to be wondering if you really wanted a dog, but it would be great if you made it out. I'd love to give you a nice big kiss (or we can just shake, are you in a relationship? you don't have a cat do you?).
So, you know, if you can make it, awesome. And if you happen to be impressed by my showing in either event, or my new slender physique, or my somewhat prodigious vocabulary and writing skills, I already checked with the big guy and he says you could still totally take me home. But no pressure. Either way. This place is great.

Your dog.

Man Fears Genius Stifled By Blog Format

A man in a coffee shop yesterday told a friend that he feared his enormous talents were hamstrung by the format of his current blog in which he purported to summarize conversations that he may or may not have actually overheard. He expressed an interest in continuing to bring these sorts of moments to his infinitesimally small readership, while at the same time freeing up the format in order to more broadly define and share his vision, namely, a photoblog with no pictures. He suggested that he might put his site through some changes over the weekend and relaunch his digital utopia the following Monday. He then predicted it would probably end up being a disaster.
His friend then removed his headphones and asked if the man had said something.
No, he said, nothing important.

Man Torn Between Sex And Baldness

A man in a coffee shop last night explained to his friend that he'd been having good results with the hair loss drug his doctor had prescribed for him six months ago. At a recent checkup the doctor said that he's not only noticed a drop off in hair loss, but some regrowth in previously thin areas. However, he said, that progress had come at a price: his sex drive had taken a serious dive. While he doubted that the new hair was actually visible to the untrained eye, he said that the knowledge he was no longer thinning had seemed to help his confidence and allowed him to approach women. He'd dated one girl for a few weeks, and was now in a relationship with another who he'd begun seeing four months prior. And in both cases he said that he rarely found himself excited and in a few cases he'd been unable to perform when called on. His doctor said that this was a known side effect of the drug, and one that effected some men more than others.
His friend immediately said that he'd rather be bald than not have sex.
But the man argued that being bald might impact his ability to have sex just as much as the drugs. Not because he'd be unwilling, but because he might find the women less so.
His head, he said, was lumpy.

Husband Thinking Of Divorcing Vegetarian

A married man in a coffee shop told a friend last night that he was strongly considering divorcing his newly vegetarian wife. He said that at first he'd been in favor of it because he imagined that the dietary restrictions would help her lose some of the pounds she'd gained since their wedding. However, he said he hadn't considered how isolating their different eating habits would be. Each of them bought their own groceries because she now shopped in a special organic market, and each prepared their own dinners. Often they no longer ate together. Many of the resteraunts they'd gone to when dating were no longer acceptable to his wife because of their limited vegetarian options. And though she didn't often mention it, he said he felt that she was dissapointed when he ordered a hamburger or a steak.
His friend laughed and said surely the man wasn't serious. He asked if the man planned to put 'irreconcilable diets' on the divorce papers. Of all the reasons for marriages to end up in trouble he said that this sounded like one of the most trivial. What about sickness and health, death do us part, all those promises? Was there an out for 'stops eating meat'?
I made those promises to a carnivore, the husband said.

Student Haunted By End Of Vehicular Love Affair

A college student in a coffeeshop told his friend that his relationship of more than a year had just ended because he'd become obsessed with a girl he'd seen only once and never actually spoken to. He explained that last summer, while driving home from college on a two lane road, he'd found himself alternately following and being followed by a beautiful girl in a blue Honda Civic. He said that it had become sort of like a game, that when one of them passed a car they would wait and make sure the other got around as well before speeding on. At one point, while traveling through a small town they'd been stopped at a railroad crossing, and he'd watched in his mirror as she inched ever closer to his window in her traffic lane, only to have the gates go up just as she'd pulled even, an outcome he described as 'perfect'. As they neared his hometown the road split in two directions, and just before reaching the split the little Honda had pulled over, but for whatever reason, he was unable to justify it now, he'd pressed on, afraid to actually stop and make contact. And he'd regretted and obsessed over it ever since. He'd scoured the campus for the car, searched something called 'facebook' for her photo, and spent countless hours sitting in the center of campus just hoping to see her. Meanwhile, his relationship with his girlfriend had suffered. She said he seemed distant and uninterested, and last week when she'd discovered a posting he'd put on Craigslist regarding the experience, she'd decided to break up with him.
The friend asked him how he could possible let a brief experience with a person he never even spoke to become such a big deal. He stated that he passed lots of pretty girl in cars and on foot every day without letting it get to him. Further, he said he could almost guarantee that if the girl turned up tomorrow, she would fall far short of the ridiculous expectations that the student had built up for her.
The student said that maybe he wasn't obsessed with the girl at all, but with the opportunity and the fact that he hadn't taken it. He agreed that because he could not find her, their would be relationship now seemed to posses seemingly limitless potential, which was perhaps what he'd wanted to avoid ruining by pulling over in the first place.
Who'd have thought, he said, you could miss someone you never met.

Woman Upset Husband Will Not Accept Oral Sex While Driving

A woman speaking to a group of friends in a coffee shop last night said that it really bothered her that her husband had never allowed her to perform oral sex while he was driving. She said that she had offered on numerous occasions and that he always told her to stop, that driving was a serious thing and required his full concentration. She asked around her table to see if anyone else had heard similar arguments. They had not.
She said that just once she'd like her husband to quit worrying about everything and to be a little bit free. And if they hit an embankment and she died with her head in his lap, so be it. She said that was unlikely anyway. Her husband listened intently to the radio while driving and had never even had a ticket. She said this was practically the same.
If listened to the radio was just like receiving oral sex, one of the men in her group said, I'd spend a lot more time listening to the radio.